I don't want to be sad all the time, I hate that everyone knows I am too.
I want to be able to laugh and smile and actually mean it.
I don't want to feel as thought I'm constantly wearing a mask of lies that sometimes feels more like my skin.
I don't want everyone around me to feel as though they have to ask me if I'm okay or otherwise I'll disappear before their eyes, like smoke on a windy day.
I hate that I look like a crazy person every time I cry in my car because the world suddenly become heavy as though it is pressing down on my chest until I can no longer breath.
I hate that I feel like I'm drowning every morning in a sea of tears that I cried last night; having to hold my breath to find the surface in this cold darkness that I created.
I feel like broken concrete that no one can fix.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
I don't want to see the sad smiles my love ones give me when they think I am no longer looking.
I hate the panic I create every time I fail to respond for a few days because I forgot to charge my phone while tucked in a blanket burrito.
I hate this person my demons created , with skin wound so tight it become hard to breath, but I cannot give it up.
I cannot lose to my demons because I would hate that even more.
I would hate to watch my love ones cry over the body I abandoned like a terribly written book collecting dust on shelf long forgot.
This is a battle I cannot quit or lose, stuck on it like a Ferris wheel when it feels like a roller coster off its track.
I don't like this person I've become but I'm learning to love the person to come.
I am under construction, like the broken concrete, until I can fix this broken smile
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts of a Phantom
PoesíaA collection of short pieces created by me about my life. They are styled in a similar format as spoken word poems. Some of the topics are a reference to my own experiences while some are a tribute to others who never got to tell their own. Possible...
