Then There Was You

XVIII

I seriously doubted that even the iciest of waters could take away the deep, burning heat that wouldn't leave my stomach. But the cold water of the shower, definitely helped wash away some inappropriate thoughts.
I felt considerably calmer and more in control.
My brain free to think rationally, as I conducted my plans.
I was going to tell James. Today.

Completely distracted by my thoughts, I dressed in a daze.
I couldn't work out what I was more nervous for: speaking with James after three long weeks of silence, or telling him I wanted to have sex with my coworker.
Fuck, I cringe. This is going to be odious.

I fuss over my appearance in the mirror.
"You can do this," I say quietly to myself. It doesn't make me feel any better. I am the biggest coward.
Groaning in defeat, I settle myself comfortably on my bed, sitting upright, legs crossed in front of me. And try to prepare myself for the most uncomfortable conversation of my life. My heart beats frantically, my palms sweating, as I click on his name and hit the phone icon.
Jesus, give me strength.

The dial tone seems to go on and on forever. Maybe he won't answer. The thought gives me a moment of relief but it quickly vanishes, when the finally answers. My stomach flipping in a nauseating manner.
"Hello?" James sounds reluctant.
"Hi," my voice sounds meek.
There's a long moment of silence. Neither of us knowing what to say.
"Are you alright Lara?"
"No," I say honestly. I suddenly feel very tired.
He sighs loudly.
"What do you need?"
His question throws me off. What do I need? I need to tell him the truth.

"I just need you to listen," I say, trying to make my voice calm.
"Alright then. Just let me know when you're done speaking." He falls silent, letting me take my moment. My stomach does another terrified flip. Here goes nothing...
"Henry and I had to film a sex scene today. It went well, so we only had to do it once- thankfully," my words coming out in a rush, "But there's still one more we'll have to do next week. And I just feel like you deserve to know..." I trail off, trying to figure out how to say what's really important.
"Are you done?" His voice sounds oddly patient.
"No, there's more," I say unwillingly. He falls silent again.
"I liked it. I'm not even going to pretend to say I was acting, because I wasn't. I wanted to kiss him... and more. I'm sorry."

He doesn't say anything for a long time. My heart pumps in an odd nervous rhythm, as I wait for his response.
"Is that all?" He asks probingly.
"Uhm, he also got an erection," I blurt unthinkingly. Revealing this small detail makes me feel oddly lighter. I did it. I told him everything. And I didn't even cry.
"Well... There's not much I can really say," to my intense surprise, he doesn't sound angry. Just very tired, and bored. "Why are you telling me this Lara?"
I thought it was obvious why I was telling him. I had essentially committed adultery.
"You're my boyfriend," my voice is unsure, "Don't you think you had a right to know?"
"I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of it," his voice oddly calm, "You were just doing your job."
"Did you even hear what I said James?" I can't disguise the disbelief in my voice.
"I heard you just fine," his voice short and clipped, "There's nothing really more to say. I can see why you'd want to tell me. Thank you I guess?"
"James," I scoff, bewildered, "you cant be serious?"
"Enough Lara," he finally snaps, "I'm not talking about his anymore. In fact, I have to go."

I'm just about to launch a new protest, but he hangs up. I stare at the the phone, confounded. He can't be serious? What could possibly be the reason for his denial? I don't understand why he won't admit the situation for what it is. We both know fine well that I wasn't just doing my job. What is he trying to achieve by ignoring this? My head shakes in part disbelief and shock. Did he think that this would go away if he ignored it? Pretending that I was 'just doing my job' wouldn't make it true.
This was way worse than what I had expected.
I'd rather he got angry and told me not to speak to him again. I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't imagine what must be going through his head. I give up trying, tossing my phone away, it lands safely a few feet away on the bed.

Despite my new found confusion, I definitely feel less burdened. The situation with Henry doesn't seem so bad now. What if James is right and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing?
No, the feelings I have for Henry are definitely important. There's no point in denying it anymore.
I have feelings for Henry.
I feel suddenly liberated, as I admit it to myself for the first time.
I have real, intense and terrifying feelings for him. And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about it.

James is in denial, Henry is still bent on ignoring me. It leaves me with no one to turn to. I can't possibly tell my mum about this. I'll have to figure this one out, all on my own.