Then There Was You

XX

I vomit twice on the flight back home.
Not because of travel sickness. But because my stomach is twisted so tight with nerves, I can't even keep water down.
For someone who's been a performer all her life, I should have nerves of steel. But I've somehow remained a soft, wet milksop.
The whole flight home, I've been practicing what I'm going to say to James. I've went through several different scenarios, making sure I'm prepared. It in no way helps my nerves.

Rachel's waiting for me in the terminal.
One of the knots in my stomach loosen, as I rush towards her. She's waving like a maniac, her face almost splitting with the happiest grin. She squeals excitedly, as I throw my arms around her, almost taking her off her feet. She smells good, and it just feels so good to be held by someone who loves me. It hits me all once as I realise how much I've missed her. Much to my embarrassment, I start crying.

"What's this?" Rachel laughs, trying to free herself from my death grip around her shoulders. She's six inches taller than me, and a lot stronger, but it's an effort for her to finally get me at arms length.
"You didn't miss me that much did you?" She asks playfully, but her expression is concerned.
I'm sniffling loudly, my nose and eyes running.
"Gross," I say, trying to wipe my face with my sleeve.
"Lara, what's wrong?" Her voice serious now, when I don't answer her.
"I've fucked up Rach," I say, my voice catching in my throat. I see panic flash in her blue eyes.
"What have you done?" She steps closer to me, dropping her voice to a whisper.

My bottom lip trembles. I take a deep breath, my eyes looking up at the high ceiling.
"It's Henry," I wail, "I really like him and he likes me too."
From the corner of my eye, I see her visibly relax, and she lets out a relieved sigh.
"Is that it? For fuck sake Lara. I thought you were going to tell me you'd done something awful; like you'd slept with the director or something." This seems to inspire her next question. "Have you slept with Henry?" She sounds hopeful.
"Of course not!" I say aghast, "but... I want to," I add, not hiding the disgust at myself.

Rachel rolls her eyes dramatically.
"So you're upset because you want to sleep with him?" She asks puzzled.
"No!" I say- a little too enthusiastically, causing a few people to look at us curiously. "I'm upset," I say, lowering my voice, "because I'm going to break up with James, and he's going to hate me. And so will his family, and my mum will probably hate me too."
She ponders at my response for a moment.
"No ones going to hate you Lara," she says- she sounds so sure, "You're going to upset a lot of people, but they'll get over it." She shrugs.
"Have you thought this through?" She asks me. "What I mean is, are you sure you want to end your five year relationship for someone you've known for six weeks?" She quickly adds after taking in my annoyed glare. "I know I would probably drop my husband- if I had one- for a single night with Henry Cavill. But, you're a lot deeper than me. I know that you love James. Are you really going to give everything up for Henry?" She challenges.

I deliberately pause before I answer her. Wanting her to know that I'm not making any rash decisions.
"Yes," I finally answer. And I mean it. I know that there's nothing in the world that would change my mind. She nods at me, respectfully.
"I knew it," she says, wiggling her eyebrows at me. "Don't get me wrong; I love James. But Henry! That is a man that I can see you marrying. And I can be the chief bridesmaid; the one who brought you together. I'll give the most moving speech..." she trails off dreamily.
Unbelievable.
"All right, all right! Enough of that," but I'm laughing despite myself.

Rachel assaults me with a thousand questions on the drive home. It distracts me from my nerves, as I answer her questions in the most dramatic, overly detailed way I can; knowing how much she loves it. I almost feel happy as we enter my hometown. The view of the hills stretching for miles soothes me. Nothing but varying shades of green, interrupted with random splashes of grey, where the rock lies exposed. I've missed this view. Of all the countries I've visited, I'm yet to find one more beautiful than Scotland. But I think I might just be the tiniest bit biased.

Rachel gives me a tight hug and wishes me good luck, before I leave her car. My parents are waiting for me in the front garden, they must have been watching for Rachel's car. I hug them both fiercely before they help me bring my bags in.
We're all sitting in the living room; my mum and dad on the couch, and I'm sitting on the arm chair across from them. My mum and dad share a quick look, it's a look I've seen many times throughout the years. It's one that says ' we know there's something wrong but we're going to wait for you to tell us.'

I might as well get it over and done with now. Their reaction was the one that I feared the most. I can handle James hating me. But I don't think I could bear my parents hatred.
"You want a cup of coffee?" My mum asks sweetly. I shake my head. Caffeine would only make me feel more on edge. She looks at me and frowns, sensing the seriousness of the situation. She knows it must be very bad if I'm refusing a coffee.

"Mum... Dad," I say hesitantly, looking at both of them. They both take a deep breath, giving me their full attention. "I need to tell you something, and you might get mad. But please, try not to hate me," I say pathetically.
"We could never hate you," my mum says, her voice ringing with certainty.
I want to believe her. But I have a feeling she's about to change her mind.
"I'm breaking up with James," my words come out in a nervous rush, "I met someone else in Dublin. And... And I think I've fallen in love with him."
They both look at each other, I can tell by the look on their faces, that this is not what they expected.

When my mum looks back at me, her expression has hardened. I swallow nervously. My dad on the other hand, lets out a strangled laugh, shocking both my mum and me. He tries to disguise it as a cough, but I can see he's struggling to keep a straight face.
"Scott!" My mum scolds, slapping him on the forearm. "This isn't funny. Do you approve of our daughter being an adulteress?" She's very angry. Almost seething. The fact that she's assuming that I've been unfaithful to James makes me angry.
"I haven't cheated on him," I snap. Then the many times I've kissed and touched Henry on set flashes into my mind. I'm not being completely honest. "Well, I've kissed him. But I had to. For acting. My character had to," I explain meekly.

My mum narrows her eyes at me.
"But you liked it?" Her voice is full of judgement. I blush, my eyes flickering in my dads direction. He looks just as uncomfortable as I feel.
"Yes," I say defiantly, sticking my chin out slightly.
"Well, that's as good as cheating. Isn't it?" Her eyes full of disgust. Seeing my mother look at me this way makes me feel so worthless. We both know, that there's nothing I can say that will make this okay. I've done James a great wrong, and she won't go easy on me for it. I know I deserve this, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

"I didn't want this to happen. I never meant to hurt anyone," I mumble, my eyes looking unseeingly down at the carpet. I'm almost in tears.
"You've been with James for five years Lara! You can't just throw it away for someone you've just met. You're obviously not thinking clearly! I can't believe you're being this stupid!" My mums shouting now.
"Jackie..." My dad groans.
"Shut up Scott!" She growls at him. Knowing what's best for him, he does what he's told.

"So what are you going to do now hmm?" She says, directing her fury back to me. "You think I'm going to let you break James' heart and then fuck off with your new squeeze. It's not happening Lara. Not in my house."
This is too much. There's only so much I can take before I end up snapping back. I make sure I keep my face completely void of all emotion before I look back up at her.
I try not to flinch away at the cold look in her eyes. Eyes that are so much like mine. Green, cold, furious.
"I'm going to my room. Sorry for letting you down," I say quietly, my voice sounds completely lifeless. My movements feel the same as I leave the living room, and head for the sanctuary of my room.

With a shaking hand, I lock my room door. Then I presently see to letting myself cry, and for a very long time. I can hear my mum and dad arguing with one another. But my muffled sobs effectively drown them out. I'm grateful, I very much doubt I want to hear what they're saying. But my imagination creates a few for me regardless. And I hear their vicious, cold words ring in my ears.
"You're such a slut, Lara."
"How could you do this Lara?"
"We'll never forgive you."
They plague me endlessly.

I'm not sure how long I lie there for, sobbing like a baby. But by the time I'm done, my head pounds acutely. And it feels like I've been wrung out and left to dry.
I'm so thirsty but I refuse to leave my room. Then thankfully, unconsciousness comes for me. And I sink into gladly. Grateful for a brief release from my misery.