Then There Was You

XXI

A gentle knock on the door wakes me.
For a minute, I don't know where I am. But then I remember the events of last night and I wish that I could be anywhere but here.
My door knocks again, softly, yet persistently.
"Lara, open up," it's my sisters voice, "it's just me."
I consider ignoring her. But I realise how much I want to see her. I've missed her, and I need a hug.

Without looking at myself in the mirror, I get out of bed and unlock my door. I've made it back to my bed and back under the duvet by the time Louise has entered my room and shut the door. She locks it again. She stands by the door for a second, and looks at me. Thankfully, I see no hatred or judgment in her eyes. Just sympathy and understanding.
I pat the space next to me, inviting her in.

With a small smile, she makes her way to the bed and climbs in bedside me under the duvet. It must still be early, because she's in her pyjamas too.
"Mum told me what happened," she says quietly, rolling onto her side to face me.
I keep looking ahead of me, waiting for her to say more. "Are you alright?"
I shake my head.
"I'm sorry Lara," she says softly, gently placing her head on my shoulder. I reach for her hand under the cover and squeeze it. "You know what mums like," she continues, "She'll forgive you by tomorrow and you'll be her favourite child again."
This makes us both laugh.
"I doubt it," I say weakly.

We chat for a while, and I tell her all about Henry and my time in Dublin. She listens quietly, her eyes glistening with excitement anytime I mention Henry. Overall, she seems very supportive of my decision. It gives me confidence to get myself out of bed and face my family.
The tension is still there but my mum no longer glares at me. My dad smiles at me encouragingly as I sit down at the table with coffee. We don't say much but I tell them that I'm going over to James' shortly. To which my mum simply raises her eyebrows. My dad, at least has the tact to wish me good luck.

For the first time in my life, I drive at the legal speed limit on the way to James'. It's only a fifteen minute drive and I need every single minute to prepare myself.
By the time I park up outside his flat, my hands are so sweaty, they slip off the steering wheel.
I wipe them firmly on my jeans, and then I look at myself in the overhead mirror.
I smooth my hair down on top of my head, pushing the front of it behind my ears. I catch a quick glance of my eyes and I can't help but see how frantic they look.
Calm down Lara, I order myself sternly.
I take a deep breath, give myself a final hard stare, and then leave the safety of my car.

I take the stairs deliberately slow. But I still reach his door quicker than I'd like.
Should I knock?
No idiot. Stop being stupid.
My hand trembles, as I place my hand on the door knob, twist it, and let myself in like I always do.
His flat is quiet as it always is. He never plays music or has the TV on for background noise. Something that I always do.
It's just after 12pm- Lunch time for James. So I make my way to the kitchen.
I find him sitting down at the table. It looks like he's been waiting for me for a while. His body tenses as we lock eyes.

His brown eyes regarding me suspiciously.
"Hi," I say awkwardly, not really knowing what to do.
"Hi. You wanna sit?" His eyes motioning to the seat across from him at the table. I nod, swallowing nervously. He watches me quietly as I take my seat, his eyes giving my a quick up and down. Neither one of us speaks. And the silence seems to stretch on forever. You could cut the tension with a knife.

"Just say what you have to say Lara," he finally says, his voice making me jump after the long silence.
Fine. I will.
"James. I can't do this anymore," I say, my voice quivers, "Us. I mean. We have to break up."
"Why?" He sounds angry.
"Because I've fallen in love with Henry."
He scoffs, rolling his eyes.
"No you haven't," his tone is mocking.
I feel myself flush with chagrin.
"Yes, I have," I say flatly.

He looks at me through narrowed eyes, calculating my response. And then his expression softens, and his eyes look almost tearful.
"Why?" He asks exasperated.
For a second, I'm lost for words. Moved by his pain, and I want nothing more than to comfort him and beg forgiveness.
"Why am I not enough?" He asks, "What do I need to do to win you back? Just tell me and I'll do it!"
I can feel my heart ripping in two. But I know that no matter what he says to me now, it won't be enough to change my mind.

"Please James, this isn't your fault. You are an amazing man. And you've always been the most amazing boyfriend," I explain, "You've always given me everything I could ever want. But I just feel differently with Henry..." I pause. Trying to choose my words carefully. Trying to pick the ones that will hurt the least.
"Its hard to describe... I've never felt anything like this before. I tried so hard to fight it, because of how much I loved you. But the feelings I feel when I'm with him are overwhelming. I can't fight them anymore." He's watching me quietly as I speak. I can see how much I'm hurting him but I can't stop now.
"Please don't think that this decision has been easy for me," I say, looking into his eyes, "because it hasn't. I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I'm throwing our relationship away. But I can't stay with you just because I'm afraid. That would be wrong. And you deserve so much better than that."
He snorts and shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut.
"I am so sorry James. I never wanted this to happen. I never thought this would happen to us. And I know you won't believe me. But I still love you, despite everything."

James opens his eyes then.
He looks at me for a long time, emotions swirling wildly in his brown eyes. I can see there's so much he wants to say. He seems to be fighting with himself, trying to choose the right words.
"You're making a mistake," is all he says. His voice calm despite the tears that swim in his eyes.
For a second, I think he's right. But it's too late now. I've made my choice.

"Only time will tell..." I say, and shrug my shoulders heavily. My heart beating loudly in my ears, my face feels hot under my finger tips as I place my head in my hands.
"So that's it?" He asks after another long moment of quiet.
I look back up at him. And feel the love I've carried for him for five years, come to the surface. Every happy memory, every kiss, every touch. But I know then, that it doesn't come close to the feelings I have for Henry. And that I would trade it all for him. I close my eyes and swallow back the lump that's beginning to form in my throat.

"Just go Lara," he says. He sounds very tired.
My heart drops miserably, as I push myself up off the seat. I give him one last look and then I leave wordlessly. There's nothing I can say that will make this okay. I've broken his heart, and in turn broken my own. But it had to be done.
I knew this would be messy. I knew this would hurt. But why does it feel so wrong?
I try my best to shake off the sinking feeling of regret as I make my way back home.

When I get back, I don't bother going to the living room. I trudge right up the stairs and right back into my room. Where I lock the door again, and throw myself down on my bed, and cry- again. Is all this really worth it? Have I made the right choice?
I'm so confused and so miserable.
I am the worst human in the world. I'm hurting everyone I love. All I want is Henry. But he's three hundred miles away.
I cry for Henry. And for James. And I cry for the girl I was before all this happened.