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ajatusketju 24.5

I've learnt a lot during my life. You know, the usual stuff. Conclusions that you came to after breaking your heart. Innovations you were dissapointed to learn that they already exist. Toughts you tought nobody else had ever tought. And then realizing that in the end, you are not any different from others. Nevertheless, these are some things I've leanrt tha I think are somewhat important.

Loving someine is beautiful for sure, but breaking yoir heart when they don't love you back will give you more. You go through something you've never felt before, you see what it is like to love alone. You shed tears in your balcony at 3 am while all the memories of you two hit you over and over again. Smileng through the tears of all the beauty the other person ahowed you. It was a great time, it was beautifuk to have someone love you but it was not all you ever needed. Now you've got memories of beautiful moments, soft kisses on the ferohead, nights on their arm, all of it. Yes, you lost it but memories are what matter. If it was a good time, you can learn to love them alone and you can live with the pain of losing something like that.

Loving yourself isn't easy at all. It's easy to love others, you don't aee what goes inside their heads and you don't have to deal with them all the time. You wouldn't love anyone else either if you knew all about them and  if you had to listen to them all the time. So, how to live yourself? You have to do it a different way, not like with others. You are not giving love to yourself, nir are you receiving it from you. Rather it's ti realize that you love alwaya something, go and find that feeling. First you can just atop for a moment and finde the love you have in you because yiu have. We all do, it's in there, find it and feel it. Maybe you love your mom, so think about her and take that feeling, and chenge the tought of your mom to you. Let the feeling of love stay, it is still in you. Even when you think of you, it still is in you. So, a bit by bit you'll learn to dog that feeling and let yourself feel it in you when you think of you. It'll take a while, all the hate towards you will try to drown it, but you have time.

There is no one that can heal you, no one to fix your mind, it's always up to you. I go to therapy and it does help me, but not in a way you might think. My therapiat doesn't tell me what to do or how to fix myself, she simply makes me speak. Speaking is the whole point, but you can do it without a therapist. You have to learn to think and deal with your feekinga. You need to feel it all in order to get over the pain. Pain won't fade if you don't feel it so first step to getting better is to suffer and survive through the suffering. Don't force the tears aways, let them roll down your cheeks.

Past wasn't any better than this time. Not at all. I'm thinking past to last november with nostalgia. I think it was better back then when i didn't know what i do now, but it wasnt. I wanted to die, and now i don't. Past always looks better becauae that's what we live for. Our whole existence is based on the things that happened before, and the only way to try to find a better place is to think you know what better is. And that's how it works. We remember things with a golden lining and pink folter on top so that we can aim towards times like that again. Suffer now to get things better in the future.