the tourist | l.h.

xv

Luke

"Luke! Over here!"

"Calum! How was the trip?"

"Could I get a photo with you guys?"

We were back in LA and surrounded with flashing cameras once again. Not gonna lie, I love getting noticed, but that was before Malaya happened.

Ashton, Michael, and Calum stuck around to talk to fans and take pictures with them. I, on the other hand, dashed straight to the van. I felt bad for not saying yes to our loving fans, but I didn't have it in me to smile.

The boys finally came inside. "Dude, how's Meg gonna be when she sees that you're back here?" Calum asked Ashton. 

"I actually don't know. I'm just hoping she won't go batshit crazy on me." he laughed, and so did the rest.

"Wait, you and Meg are over?" our bodyguard, Ray, turned around and asked. Ashton nodded his head in response. "Thank god! I could feel the toxicity, man." 

Ray was like family to us. He knows almost everything about what goes on in our lives. 

Keyword: almost.

"And you, Luke. Why are you so gloomy? You know, you can't fool me." 

I didn't want to speak. I didn't feel like answering him. I didn't feel like opening my mouth at all. I just wanted to sit silently until I get back into my house.

"Love troubles." Michael said for me. 

Ray looked at me once more and knew not to press on it anymore.

-

I came home to Petunia lunging at me. I was excited to be with her again and I could tell she was too. "Hi, baby girl." I smiled at her as I pet her.

"I hope mom took good care of you." 

I walk around inside my home, trying to figure out this feeling I have going on inside of me. Usually, after trips, I'd be so excited to just lay down on the couch, drink some coffee, watch TV, and cuddle Petunia. But now? I have the biggest urge to fly all over the world to find a certain Malaya Rivera.

It's stupid, I know. But, I cannot live with myself just knowing that she left without a goodbye and I didn't do anything about it.

Maybe I just need some sleep.

-

It's been about a week since we had arrived home from the trip. 

The boys have been so busy writing new songs and I couldn't be anymore proud. I, however, have been caught up in my own headspace. I'm physically there with them, singing, laughing, doing whatever it is that we're doing. 

But, I don't feel like myself.

I have no idea how I'm going to get through this phase, but I know it'll all blow by soon.

Soon, I hope.

"Mike, these lyrics slap!" Ashton said, high-fiving Michael whilst we finish off our song: Monster Among Men. He was really proud of this one.

"Thank you, thank you very much." he said, impersonating the great Elvis.

I'm not gonna lie, I've been kinda off with my contributions to this band. Sure, I'm contributing by recording all our songs, but I haven't actually helped write any. The trip to Italy was supposed to be our inspiration for some songs, but I haven't been able to think of decent lyrics to jot down onto paper.

I do feel bad about it, but then again, I can't bring myself to write or I'll just break down again.

-

It was about 10 p.m. and we've all gone home to rest after a full day of recording.

I slump into my bed, stare at the ceiling like I have nothing better to do.

I feel numb.

I felt like there was this empty void inside of me that I couldn't fill up with just about anything. Not Petunia, not the boys, not the music.

Literally nothing.

I hated the feeling. I hated feeling so incomplete inside.

I hated feeling like I was 18 all over again. 

Just as my mind was being flooded with these thoughts, I hear little taps on the windows. 

Tap. Tap.

At first I didn't even bother to stand and check it out, but it got so irritating I had to see what was going on. I push away my curtains and see Ashton standing on my front lawn. He had come pebbles in his hand and he was waving at me.

"Luke! Open the goddamn door!" he yelled. 

I went down and opened the door. Ashton came in without letting me say a word. "Um, come in?"

"I need to talk to you." he said, his voice quite stern. I've never heard him speak like that before. This must be something serious. He sat down on the couch and I followed suit. "What's going on? Is there something wrong?"

He chuckles, "Funny, that's exactly what I was going to ask you." 

He looked me dead in the eyes. No expression on his face. As if he was trying to read my mind and find out what the hell was going on with me lately. "W-W-What do you mean?" 

"Come on, Luke. The other two may be dense when it comes to emotions, but I'm not. You haven't been acting like yourself lately and I'm genuinely concerned. What's going on with you?"

His words formed a lump in my throat. A lump I couldn't push down. I didn't want to speak because the moment I let out a word, tears will start to fall. "Well, don't just sit there and stare at me. Say something!" he pressed.

He's your best friend, Luke. He deserves to know how you feel.

I took a deep breath in, "Have you ever felt so empty that nothing could ever fill you up?" I asked.

He shook his head in response. "I felt this way when I couldn't handle my toxic household anymore. I knew I had to do something, so I ran. I ran and never looked back. I ran to you boys." 

He still continued to stare at me, saying nothing. Silently telling me to go on. "This time around though? I have no where to run. No one to run to. She's gone. Malaya's long gone. I don't know where she is and I don't think I'll ever find her." 

I sigh as the tears start streaming down my face. I hate showing how vulnerable I am. I always try and put on a strong face for everyone to see, but little do they know how much I've built up within my walls.

Ashton comes closer and embraces me, "Luke, I know that you love this girl. I do. But you have to try and let her go. Forget about her someway somehow." he says, his voice no longer stern. 

I pull away from his embrace and look him in the eyes, "I tried! I tried my fucking hardest to get her out of my damn system! But she's still there. Haunting my every dream, every word, every breath." 

I'm now standing, walking towards the nearest wall and throwing my fists at it. I don't stop until Ashton pulls me away from the wall. I look down and see my red knuckles. "Luke, maybe we can take all this pain out of you without having you break a bone." he suggested.

We take a seat on the couch again, but this time Ashton grabs a notepad and pencil. "Write a song about her. Dedicate all your emotions about her to this song." he said, holding up a pencil for me to take.

I shake my head 'no', "I can't. I tried, but I could never find the right words to say."

"That's why I'm here. To help you."

I look at him. His eyes are soft and filled with so much concern. I sigh and take the pencil out of his hand and begin to jot down everything I felt about her.

-

hi yes i know i havent updated in sooooooooo long

my bad oops

here u go

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- v.d.