Expression

Chapter Twenty-nine

Jotaro took the subway earlier than he usually would. He wasn't particularly pleased about having to do this on a Monday morning, but he needed to do this. After the Shadowplay incident, Kakyoin had walked off still without providing any more contact information. At his final stop, he waited. Normally he'd be leaving already, not a fan of crowds. But he needed to look out for Kakyoin. It wasn't a guarantee, but... this was his best shot.

Every flash of red caught his eyes and he began to think that he must have missed him already, even though he was twenty minutes early and, looking at his watch, he had only been here for about forty seconds.

Damnit.

How many times had everything felt so unbearably slow as he waited for Kakyoin? It was like he was chained to some ceaseless wheel that doomed him to repeat this in circles, an endless agony of waiting for someone he didn't deserve. He couldn't be expressive and affectionate like a normal person. Or...

He paused. No, he couldn't let this complex dominate his life as it had done before. He couldn't make people like him. He certainly couldn't make them love him, and even if they did he couldn't choose to make them act on this love. Jotaro knew this already. But it was time for him to accept that he wasn't lesser, and to stop being ashamed. His coldness, his aggressiveness—useful barriers for keeping people away from him, stopping them from reminding him of his insecurities that he tried not to think about. He'd entertained himself with basic platitudes that they were all damn stupid before, but of course he hadn't really believed himself. His cruelty toward Star Platinum earlier had shown this. He had to try, now. It didn't mean he'd become some open, cheerful person. It simply meant that he would work towards becoming comfortable with himself.

Running his fingers along the insides of his pockets as was his habit, he spent the time thinking like this until one of those reds really was Kakyoin. Jotaro gave a wave to him, certain that his height made him visible enough, and called out his name.

"Yes?" Kakyoin asked, approaching him. He looked confused, and Jotaro couldn't blame him.

"You remember Elise Jansen, right?"

A nod.

"She... wants to speak to you. About, you know, DIO and all that. Here's her contact information," he said quickly, shoving a crumpled-up paper into Kakyoin's hands. "Sorry. Don't want to make you late. You probably have a train to catch. I'll be going."

"I—Oh. Okay. Well, goodbye." Kakyoin gave a careless wave over his shoulder, something much more than Jotaro usually saw. I wonder how he's doing. "Wait!"

"Hm?" Jotaro turned around.

"I... still have a few minutes." Kakyoin stood for a moment, as if looking for words to say. "Are you doing alright here, in the city?"

An automatic whisper in Jotaro's mind told him to shut Kakyoin out, the same whisper that wore around in repeated tracks whenever anyone got more personal than he knew how to handle. Biting it back, he replied as best he could. I know Kakyoin. He isn't stupid about these things. In this moment, he was back in those early days in Japan or barely outside of it as they made their way towards Egypt, gradually opening up when he didn't know how to do so. Once again, conversation with Kakyoin had become a path difficult and frightening to navigate, but he assured himself that he had been here before and that Kakyoin had done nothing to hurt him. "Well, you know. Could be better. But I'm surviving."

Kakyoin hmmed thoughtfully. "Anything aside from that?"

Is there? Jotaro searched for something, anything, he could talk to Kakyoin about, but found nothing. There was only his empty anhedonic listlessness, punctuated by his "training" with Star Platinum. And none of it really interested him. "Not really. Still getting adjusted, I guess." Adjusted to life post-DIO. Kakyoin's face fell, and he quickly hid it. But Jotaro had studied his expressions over the course of their journey enough to know that what he said had worried him. "I'll be fine, I'm sure," he promised.