Expression

Chapter Thirty-nine

Jotaro was gone by the time Noriaki woke up. His eyes slid slowly open, gradually coming into focus. The space next to him was empty, blankets placed neatly back where they'd been. It was nearly afternoon.

I shouldn't have done that. Some horrible, impulsive, spur-of-the-moment decision. It wasn't that he didn't love Jotaro, but that he didn't want to. He'd argued with himself so endlessly about what he felt, but as much as he wished, he couldn't deny that. He couldn't make it go away. Everything would be so much nicer if he could. Love complicated things, required deep conversation and baring one's soul when he preferred to stay quiet. A failure in love would hurt him so much more than a failed friendship; he had not to let things get too far, and he almost had. It had pained him so much not to return the sentiment Jotaro had expressed towards him, not to tell him that "I love you too," but he'd had to do it. Hadn't he?

Love was too dangerous. This was the only way he could protect himself.

Time came for another therapy appointment, all time between these two points empty and hollow.

"Mr. Kakyoin. How are you?"

"Well... about what we discussed last week."

"Yes?"

"I realized where my feelings for that other man lie."

"And what are they?"

"I do still love him. But I can't be with him."

"And why's that?"

Noriaki searched for an answer and found none. There was only the overwhelming fear. "I'm too afraid."

"Afraid of what, exactly? Does he frighten you?"

"No. There's nothing wrong with him. He's truly wonderful, and I don't think he'd ever do anything to hurt me. That's why I love him. But I'm so worried that things will fall apart between us, for some reason or other."

"Isn't that a risk in every relationship?"

"Yeah."

"And you're shutting yourself off to this world because you're afraid of what could happen?"

"Well, yes."

"You seem so often ruled by fear. But do tell me, how did you come to realize that you love him?"

"We were spending time together, just talking. The conversation got pretty emotional, and he said that he wouldn't let me be alone if I didn't want to be. I was overwhelmed in that moment, and without thinking, I kissed him."

"That's most certainly an indication of your feelings for him, yes. And how did he respond."

"He kissed me back. But—he pulled back. He was clearly very upset, and told me that we couldn't do this. It hurt him too much, because he still loved me, and he couldn't bear this if we went nowhere. We had to just be friends, not play at the edges of romance."

"Did it hurt you when he said that?"

"I suppose so, yes. But I'm glad he said it and stopped us before we became any further entangled. When he did, I wanted to scream that I loved him too, that things didn't have to stay like this, but I stopped myself."

"Ah. Do you think that there are any compatibility problems between you two, is that why you think it wouldn't work out?"

"Not really. I just don't know how to get so close to a person. I'm starting to accept it, perhaps, but I can't truly believe yet that someone would really care about me."