Expression

Chapter Forty

The weeks passed. Noriaki continued to pass by Jotaro on his way to school. To anyone who didn't know, it would seem like a normal friendship. That was what they wanted to pretend it was. Kind smiles, asking how the other was doing, telling quick jokes before going off on their own ways. The end of the semester drew closer and closer; Noriaki spent his free time alone. He needed to study, didn't he? Regardless, it meant he didn't have to face any awkward questions, such as if he should spend more time with Jotaro again, or if it would be awkward to hang out with his other friends besides Jotaro.

Avdol and Polnareff had called a few times to check in on him, asking how everything was going.

"Hey, Kakyoin," Polnareff said one afternoon, "I've been thinking. I'd like to talk to Elise. But could you be there? Could you call while she's with you?"

"Yeah, I could do that. I'll let her know. What made you decide to talk to her?"

"Eh, I just think it might make it easier to move on from everything that happened. Plus it's good talking to people who went through the same things. I love Avdol, but he can't relate to what it was like to have DIO inside your own mind."

"It helps to feel less alone, doesn't it? And... it helps you feel less wrong for what happened."

"Yeah. I'm really glad you were on that journey too, Kakyoin. I felt so ashamed for having been a servant of DIO, and I thought that there had to be something seriously wrong with me. But you were honorable, so I realized that if you could end up like that, then maybe it didn't mean I was evil, either."

"You're very noble, Polnareff. Even the flesh bud couldn't take that away from you."

"Thank you, Kakyoin."

Noriaki called Elise after that—she was busy now, but she'd be free during winter break, and was happy to call Polnareff with Noriaki there. A date was arranged. Meanwhile, he was still busy studying. He didn't really know how to study, and it was difficult to concentrate—but at least he was doing it. The medication seemed to help somewhat, and Dr. Gahan was aiding him too. It wasn't perfect, but maybe that was okay.

Still during his dreams, Noriaki stumbled about in darkness.

The exams began. He tried not to dwell on them, at least not after he'd taken them. Sometimes that worked better than others. He lay awake a couple nights in a row, agonizing on answers he'd written down. I should have paid more attention to that section of the art history textbook. He re-read it countless times, poring over the sentences that dealt with the question haunting him. Shit, shit shit, I so fucked up. But it's just one question. No, I fucked up. If I missed that, I probably missed so many others as well. He was up late that night, checking the book for every question he remembered, desperately scribbling down how many he got right and wrong, making wild guesses at his final score. It didn't help that this was his most difficult class.

He barely slept; he had another exam the next morning. The exhaustion gnawed at his brain, leaving it in fog as he tried to write clearly and acutely. At least other classes relied on final projects rather than exams. Gahan had coaxed him into working on them before the due date—thankfully—and he and Marco had helped each other with their projects for sculpture class. It could have been worse, he supposed. It was hard to make himself do this, but at least he was.

He wasn't really sure what to do with winter break now, as he waited for his final grades. The date for his surgery consultation was marked out neatly on the calendar, a few weeks away. Every second was torture. Waiting for grades, waiting for his appointment.

Dr. Gahan raised an eyebrow when he brought this up. "Not good at dealing with empty time?"
"Not really."
"You have to fill it somehow. I'm sure your video games are fun, but not enough to keep you from boredom all the time. Have you been doing anything else?"