Through The Noise

The Light She Lost

I've never had a sense of time when I was young. I thought people grow up without a mere second passing by. I thought the world is stuck in a motion time cannot touch. I thought that time is an illusion. But as I grew up, I realized that there are so many things time has stolen from us... from me.

     My grandmother is one of my favorite people in the world. Growing up, she was there guiding and looking after me. She taught me lessons that cannot be taught inside a classroom and gave me memories that are worth remembering. It's been years since she died but I still remember it like it only happened yesterday. It still feels like a knife has been jabbed on my chest everytime her face flashes on my mind. I still bleed like it had only been seconds since I got the news. It's been a long and hard road without her here. Every step is painful and hesitant. I know I wasn't the only who got hurt and still hurting because of her absence and I know it's selfish to think that their pain are not even comparable with mine. But sometimes, when I see the chair she used to sat on and hear the silence of the room we used to fill with our laughters, I couldn't help but wonder.

I wonder where she is now, if she was up there, playing cards in heaven or wandering around, looking after us. I wonder if she watches me and shakes her head whenever I do something stupid. I wonder if that night when I was crying myself to sleep and it suddenly rained hard, it was her telling me that I'm not the only one who is drowning and suffering. I wonder if she still remembers the girl I used to be and believes to the woman I've been dreaming to become. I wonder if she hears my silent pleas and muffled cries and whispers it to the Providence. I wonder if she is proud and would still be proud of me, if she was alive.

I wonder what she would say to me, if it is a comforting "it's okay to mourn and cry, there's a right time when you will get over me," or an exasperated "don't hold back yourself from beautiful things just because I am gone." I wonder how things would have been if she didn't die. If the Christmas and New Year would still be meaningful and my smiles wouldn't be this scarred and pretentious.

I've never had a sense of time before but when I grew up, the world slapped me the truth that we are not stuck in a motion time cannot touch... that time is not an illusion. And amidst that epiphany, I realized that I shouldn't have let time steal her from us. I shouldn't have wasted my time isolating myself and should have spent it creating more memories with her. I should have been there in her last moments, should have witnessed her last breath and seen the last drops of tears from her eyes. And most of all, I should have taken it seriously when they said you'll never know what you got until it is gone.

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Note: This is a eulogy I wrote for my late grandmother. It was actually for a school work and I know it is far more metaphorical than an actual eulogy but I want to share this to you to let you know that once in my life, I met an amazing person—my grandmother.