Me & Her

Me

There's no passage of time linking my pause on the stairs to my new position of sitting on the bed. 

At first it seems normal, but then I'm overcome by an overwhelming sense of dread. This is how it started, how she infiltrated my life and ripped it apart. I close my eyes, try to find a rhythm of breathing. It is that exact moment when a memory chooses to seep through. I'm walking up the stairs, staring at a vase, and with a backward glance, I make my way to my room and stop at the threshold. A moment later, I enter and sit down. I'm probably just a little disorientated. I'd sleep, but I don't think I can. Not in here, not after sleeping for so long. I can't even try. Dr. Light is coming tomorrow, that I do know. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do about that. Having a complete stranger staying with me isn't exactly going to help. I haven't interacted with anyone close to my age since she... She tried to kill the school bully. I remember. We might have been provoked, we might not, but she tried to kill him all the same. That I can say I had no part in. Killing isn't in me. Hurting people's feelings isn't even in me. Especially not now. I brace for the tears. I miss school. I miss learning and I think I even miss getting detentions for forgetting my homework. It's strange that they still gave detentions despite knowing about what I was. Knowing what I could do. I can picture a lot of Calgary, a lot of Canada for that matter. Toronto stands out in my mind, a bright beacon of towering glass and concrete. Funny that I don't even remember going. Perhaps I haven't been there yet. Perhaps I saw it on TV. I'd like to go. I'd like to go a lot of places now I think about it. Toronto. London. Paris. All the major cities in the world. How do I know about them, remember them, but not my name? What the hell am I supposed to make of that? For a while I sit on the bed, convincing myself that I'm alright and that everything's going to be okay if I give it a chance. It doesn't work. A knock on the door breaks the silence, and my Mum enters carrying a glass of water.

"Are you having trouble settling in?"

"No. I'm okay". She smiles.

"You don't have to pretend with me sweetie, I know everything's a bit disorienting for you at the moment, but it's all going to be fine". I want to scoff at her, but I somehow manage to keep my mouth shut. I've got to pretend with her; she doesn't understand how I feel. I don't know why I expect her to.

"Thanks mum" is all I can say in the end. She passes me the glass of water and I suddenly feel thirsty. As soon as she leaves the room, I take a big gulp and set it down. My hands are shaking. Whether it's from fear or adrenaline, I don't know. I think I'm scared, but I'm not quite sure. Not yet. I'm worried about Dr. Light, whoever he'll turn out to be. I can't have someone dissecting my brain like I'm a lab rat, not again. Again? Why did I...? Sighing, I rub my eyes. I thought I wasn't tired. Never mind. Sleep, for once in my life, sounds kind of good. 

Blackness comes quicker than ever before.