Me & Her

Me

As soon as she gives back control, I am silent. Light is settling into the driver's seat, struggling to calm his shaking hands. Good.

I almost smile. Alyssa must have scared him half to death.

Light doesn't start the car, doesn't even move. He's sitting in the ocean between us, lulling into each and every wave. And there are so many waves. Battering my heart, my head, everything. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, if anything I'm feeling is right. Whatever right is.

Light's hands itch to find mine, but he does his best to remain still. A statue of alabaster: untouchable. He's sits next to me as if he's forcing himself to stay, as if he's trapped in a straight-jacket. I scowl, tearing my nails across my leggings. He doesn't have to be here. He could just leave. Perhaps that would be better for both of us. If he leaves, I won't have to see him every day, have to imagine his green eyes in the back of my mind in class. I won't have to continually stare at my plate at breakfast because he's sitting across from me.

With him, life is too complicated.

But the best things are.

The tingling in my stomach is an instinct, and yet what I feel, is impossible to explain. Nothing is simple. Nothing ever was. My hands find the edge of my top and I fiddle with the buttons. Until he turns to me, eyes full yet hollow at the same time.

"I've been meaning to talk to you. Alone," he starts. Alone. I want to tell him that we're never alone, that we will always be haunted by the voices in our heads. But I don't. I sit, and he sits and together, we shut out the world.

"I know I have a lot to answer for," he carries on.

"Yes. You do. You watched them do those things to me. You watched me fade away day by day. And you did nothing. How could you just sit back and do nothing?" His face scrunches, as if I've slapped him.

"I tried to remain indifferent. Believe me, I did".

"Maybe you should have," I find myself snapping. "Maybe you should have forgotten me". The window steams up, my breath like fire against it. Dr. Light turns away, facing the tangle of bushes by the curb. The tangle of broken roots that my life has become.

"I couldn't forget someone like you," he whispers. His words are the kind that tear at my seams, but they don't tear me apart. Still facing the window, I picture the back garden, the flowers, the lush grass. I picture myself sitting on the couch, a murder mystery curled into my hand. In a few minutes, I'm calm enough to speak again.

"Why me?" I say to him. He turns and in the wingmirror, I see his hand reach up to touch my shoulder. It falls too soon. I'm not going to let him escape this, not here, not now. He needs to come clean.

"Why did you choose me?"

"I saw you countless times in the facility, but every time didn't seem long enough. Before the Foundation ruined my life, it ruined yours. The first day Doctor Steele showed you to me on the surveillance, I made a vow to hate him. I made a vow to somehow, to set you free. I was under the illusion that what they were doing was good. But every time I saw you in pain, every time I saw you crying, it made me wonder who I was. What I was doing this for. You were a child and I didn't believe Steele when he told me you had agreed to this. No one would agree to what happened to you," he adds quietly. To us, he doesn't need to say. He eases back into the seat, breathing out in a way that makes me think he's been holding those words inside since the day we met.

"I didn't choose you," he continues slowly. "I think you chose me. That moment, when I walked past you down that hall, when I caught a glimpse of you up close. When your eyes opened, just a little... I knew. The hardest thing I ever had to do was walk away from you". Jeweller's eyes lock onto mine, pulling me into his orbit. This time, I break away.