Me & Her

Me

I finally hear it.

I finally hear my name.

Alice. I remember now. My name is Alice Callett. Sixteen years and five months. Only daughter. Star sign: Libra.

My name is Alice. I remember, I remember.

"Alice, sweetie, don't touch that. It's dangerous".

"Alice, come over here. Alice look. It's a rainbow".

"Alice, you can do anything. Alice, I'm so proud of you. You much better at Math than I was at school".

"I love you Alice".

"Alice," Dr. Light is saying. Those five missing letters have left a hole in my life. A hole he's filled with those two syllables. Alice. At last, I can finally hear it. If I had the heart the hug him, I would have.

Instead, I turn to face him, holding back so many tears. I thought I'd lost that name forever, yet here it is. My name. I'm another step closer to the life I lost, the one I'm going to find.

'We're going to find it,' she whispers in my head.

'I guess that makes me Alyssa,' she adds. Fighting off a chuckle, I focus my attention on Dr. Light, who is staring at me with an odd expression.

"Thank you," I choke before he can say anything. He has no idea what hearing that name means to me. Most of our memories are still suppressed, hidden in the labyrinth of our mind, but this is enough for me. For now, this is perfect. Hopefully, others will start to resurface now I know my name. Our name.

'What do I call you? Should I take a new name? A nickname or something? We can't both be Alice,' I say. She doesn't respond for quite some time, while Light remains frozen in a standstill.

'You can have it. It's just a name. I like Alyssa better anyway,' she replies slowly. I'm tempted to shake my head, but Dr. Light is watching.

'Are you sure?' I can't help thinking that she was here first, that I was the one who encroached on her life.

She has more right to that name than I do.

And I called her a monster.

My cheeks burn, so I lower my head.

'Names don't make us who we are. Besides, if we're both called Alice, conversations will become very difficult'. I must have forgotten how funny she was, how she's the one person who can make me laugh. Truly laugh instead of letting out a hollow sound to please others.

Staggering slightly, a smile overtakes my cheeks.

Alice and Alyssa Callett.

My identity is in those names - hers too. I've always wanted something that was just ours and I now, now I have it.

It's hard to keep my composure when a hundred memories attempt to flood my head. A stumble rocks through me, while words mix in a flurry, swirling around my mind. All of those memories. Countless teachers yelling my name for mostly terrible reasons. I – she – broke a guy's nose. I always took the blame as despite my condition. Despite everybody being aware of it, they never seemed to believe it.

Believe me.

I remember the snippets of a picnic by a lake, far outside city limits. The waters gleamed like liquid gold, so bright I couldn't see my reflection.

I remember. I had a life. We had a life. It was dogged by shadows and demons lay beneath our feet, but we had a life.

I understand now.

I want it back. I want it. I want my life.

"Alice, are you alright?" A hand to our head, I stumble forward, missing the bottom step. Dr. Light hides a cry, reaching out to catch me. His arm curves around my stomach. I hide my wince as he clips my healing knife wound.

"Alice, speak to me". I'm smiling. I can't stop. Alice. Alice and Alyssa Callett. I want to be a Math Professor. Alyssa wants to travel the world. She wanted to be an Explorer, and they told her no.

I can't bring myself to deny her anymore.

You know when they tell you not to give something a name, because you'll get attached to it.

Too late.

"Alice," Light says. Pleading. Blinking, I peer up at him.

"I'm fine. I just feel a little dizzy".

"Honey, what's wrong?" Mum twitters out of the kitchen, an angel with wings pinioned to her spine. She takes me from Dr. Light and wraps my arm around her shoulders. Begins to help me up the stairs.

"Mummy, I'm sorry," I whisper. "I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to let you down". Mum chuckles, heaving my body alongside hers.

"You could never hurt me". The white duvet of my bed engulfs me and soon, I'm dreaming again. Perhaps they are not dreams, I wonder. Perhaps they are memories. Hooded voices, echoing like puffs of smoke inside my head.

"Alice, you can't run. Alice, you can't stop this". Him. His voice. Dr. Steele with his groping hands and his oily smile.

I'm running again. Running alongside a delicate hand. Soft callouses, but a strong grip.

A woman who must be my mother.

The woman fades, soon replaced by leathery hands. Straps of a gurney. A bed which erases my skin and a scream which seems too animal to be mine. To be ours.

I wake up in a cold sweat, pressing the blanket to my chest. I'm trying not shiver, but the draft from my open door hits me like a bullet.

'I'm sorry,' I whisper to the girl I once thought was the disease in my brain. I don't agree with her, of course, I don't. But I think, for the first time in my life, I'm starting to understand her.

'No,' the girl whispers back. 'You're not sorry at all'.

Before I can reply, a knock at the door grounds me. Mum. She's smiling over a steaming cup of tea. A cup she eases onto my bedside table.

"Drink it. You'll be better in no time," she says. A kiss to my brow and she's long gone.

Alyssa scoffs, the peal of a bell inside our mind.

'Better my ass. Don't drink it,' she snaps as I raise the cup to my lips.

'Mum is only trying to help. And you,' I growl. 'You're ruining everything. All over again. Don't you want this? A life?'

'I don't want this life. I want our life back. And whether you agree with me or not, I'm going to get it'. Before I can scream, she forces the cup to my lips and pours tea down our throat.

Minutes pass. My sight begins to waver, while limbs become cotton wool. Sliding deeper beneath the covers, I choke a curse from my lips.

Because I know what she's going to do.

And I know I won't be able to stop her.