incarcerated

26.

     brett woke up at 6 a.m., not because he wanted to but because he had to. as opposed to eddy's prison where he was free to sleep half the day and do whatever he wanted, his new home had a much more rigorous schedule. waking up early was part of it.
     keeping his eyes open was nearly impossible as he and elijah stood outside of their cell, silently watching the guards count them over and over. he stared at the floor out of habit and was momentarily confused when it looked different than the one he'd been staring at for five months. it was actually quite a bit nicer than what he'd been used to, but the unfamiliarity made him sick.
     after count was finally over, everyone made their way towards the cafeteria for a very early breakfast. mealtimes in prison had always made him anxious and he found himself picking at his nails, his heart pounding as he entered the room. it seemed peaceful enough; no one was shouting or fighting, there were several bouts of laughter amongst the inmates, everything was orderly and clean. but it didn't help the uneasiness in brett's stomach or the shakiness in his voice.
     as he neared the end of the line, he felt a very large hand suddenly land on his shoulder. startled, he turned to face the person the hand belonged to and was only slightly relieved to see his cell mate staring back at him.
     "you wanna sit with us?" elijah asked, a crooked smile on his face. brett thought for a moment before nodding. he supposed it couldn't hurt.
     elijah led brett to a table at which four other men sat, conversing amongst themselves.
     "this is brett," he said simply as they sat down. "he's kinda quiet."
     everyone at the table nodded and introduced themselves, but brett was so nervous he'd already forgotten all of their names by the time they'd finished. their conversation resumed and brett felt like he could've participated if he wanted to, but all he could think about was eddy. the way elijah's friends talked and laughed with each other reminded him of the happiness he'd found in eddy's office. a reminder of the story eddy had told brett about being bitten by a snake was found in the eyes of the serpent tattooed onto elijah's left arm, its body wrapped around the man's scarred limb. the ink in the tattoo was slightly faded, and brett wondered if he'd get it touched up once out of prison. had they been closer friends, he would've asked.
     however, brett was still wary of elijah and the men sitting around the table despite their kindness to him. trusting new people, especially prisoners, did not come easy after what had happened to him. it wouldn't have surprised brett if he never trusted anyone in orange again.
     as breakfast came to an end, a man who brett was pretty sure was named luis turned to him during a pause in conversation.
     "you can sit here whenever you want," he said, and brett nodded.
     "thank you," he mumbled, nervously scratching at his arms under the table. it was definitely an offer he wouldn't refuse.

     eddy was doing much worse than brett. sleep had not come to him at all the previous night, despite how much he tossed and turned and tried to get comfortable. having no idea whether or not brett was doing okay made him nauseous. there was no way he'd ever be able to sleep.
things in the prison were slow that morning. there were no fights or significant conflicts and eddy didn't have much paperwork to do(for once). he mostly just stayed in his office, clutching the blanket in his hands and staring at the couch. the fabric seemed to have the letters of brett's name ingrained into its blue patterned surface, each stitch a painful reminder that eddy's ray of sunshine was no longer within his reach.
drinking crossed eddy's mind over and over again. the numbness he'd felt had been worth the consequences and he wasn't afraid to admit that he'd like to do it again. without brett, eddy had too much time to sit back and look at what his life had become. the job had consumed him. he had no friends, he never spoke to his relatives, and he lived alone in a house made for a family. all he ever did was work, come home to sleep, and then go back the next morning. there was no space in his life for anything else. realizing that he practically had no life was devastating and all he wanted was for brett to get out so that they could build one together.
the hours continued to feel longer and longer. after just a few, eddy was so sick of being there that he was in tears. just the sight of the inside of the building made him want to vomit. it was too much for him to handle.
when lunchtime arrived, eddy had had enough. his hands shook as he pulled a pen from his drawer and scribbled two words on a sticky note before slapping it onto his desk.
"i'm done."
after collecting his things and resetting his computer, eddy calmly walked out the door as if he was just going for lunch. no one took a second look at him.
     the way eddy felt as he got in his car was almost indescribable. the relief of knowing he'd never have to walk back into that awful building was nearly enough to bring him to tears as he drove out of the parking lot, not yet sure where he was headed.
     what he wanted was to go where brett was and take him away, pull him out of that place forever and bring him home. he could only imagine how it would feel to spend their days together, to fall asleep in each other's arms in a warm bed with no fear of getting caught. eddy could finally hold brett in his arms and look at the way his hair rested atop the blue pillows, the way the sunlight streaming in from the gap between the curtains landed on his face and illuminated its features. they could wake up together without being terrified because brett had spent too much time in eddy's office. there could never be enough time spent in his bed.
     it was likely that brett would call that day, which was the only thing eddy looked forward to. he'd sent money into brett's account and he assumed they would've approved his number for the call list by then; it didn't take very long. unfortunately, though, phone calls weren't until 4 p.m. eddy checked the website twice.
     after driving around aimlessly for an hour trying to decide what to do with himself and ignoring repeated phone calls from the prison, eddy decided he should just go home. the exhaustion from his lack of sleep the previous night was starting to get to him and he figured he could try and nap until 4. he arrived at the house and walked inside, locking the door. he kept all the lights off and made sure to shut all the curtains so it would look like he wasn't home if anyone from the prison cane to check on him.
    hunger had also became an issue as he drove around town, and he decided to try and find something to eat before he slept. the refrigerator didn't contain anything that interested him and he opened the freezer.
     the bottle of vodka was there, even though he didn't remember ever putting it away. the amount of liquid missing from the bottle shocked him and he couldn't believe he'd drank that much. he'd never felt so sick in his life. however, as he stared at the blue and white lettering, it called to him. one drink couldn't hurt, right?
     eddy grabbed the bottle from the freezer and went upstairs to his room, slamming the door shut and taking everything off except for his boxers. the stress from the past few days had exhausted him and he felt like drinking it away once again. the dangers didn't matter.
     fortunately, eddy wasn't able to stay awake long enough for him to drink as much as he did last time. the numbness came quickly and he was soon unable to even lift the bottle. brett was the only thing on his mind as he drifted into a dreamless sleep.