incarcerated

25.

     the day of brett's transfer was, in a word, terrifying. after being woken up hours earlier than usual, he was hurried out of the front door with his things in a bag. it wasn't long before flashbacks of his first day in prison forced their way into his mind, the memories causing more pain than he was ready to handle.
another image stuck in his mind was the first time he saw eddy. fear had been the main emotion he felt when he looked into those deep brown eyes for the first time, but it wasn't the only. just moments after he'd seen eddy, his heart was pounding for a reason other than fear. the man had been irresistible to brett and his feelings for eddy were magnified when the warden started to show him some kindness.
unfortunately, brett couldn't keep the bad thoughts away for long enough to focus on remembering the way eddy's smile looked after their first kiss instead of the way his hands had felt against brett's skin when he held him that night in the closet. the memories always came in waves; large, inescapable, and overwhelming images throwing themselves at him until he couldn't take it anymore. white knuckles and pale skin plagued him. it was a shock that no one mistook him for a corpse during these times, when he sat deathly still and stared blankly into the distance.
the bus ride to the brett's new home for the next month was not long, but it felt that way. brett passed time by staring at the back of the seat in front of him, using the faded beige surface as a canvas on which his mind painted the lines next to eddy's eyes when he smiled and the soft curls that laid atop his head. the sound of the air conditioner reminded him of the one in eddy's office. it was a kind of sound that wasn't a nuisance, but you noticed it was there. he'd heard that sound every time he'd laid with eddy on the couch. it was usually followed by the taller boy pulling the soft blanket up to brett's shoulders and kissing his forehead ever so softly.
"are you cold?" he'd whisper, lips brushing brett's skin.
memories of eddy were interrupted when the bus parked and the door opened. the few prisoners riding got up and shuffled out of the vehicle, tarnished handcuffs digging into their wrists.
the inmates were lined up in front of a wall and told to wait. brett found himself staring at the ground, his eyes burning holes in the speckled concrete floor. the man standing next to him tapped his foot anxiously and brett cringed at the repetitive sound.
as expected, the warden did not compare to eddy in any way. brett did not react as he droned on about his expectations for the prisoners and rules and whatever else he decided to address in his ever exciting welcome speech. fear did not cross brett's mind. in fact, he felt quite numb.
exhaustion had crept into brett by the time he made his way to his cell block. no one really took a second look at him as he walked in slowly, trying to locate his bunk. a man laid in the other bed in the cell, scribbling something in a notebook that brett didn't even try to read. he didn't speak at all as he entered and began to unpack the bag of bedding they'd given him.
"hey," the other man said nonchalantly, barely looking up from whatever he'd found to occupy his mind. "i'm elijah."
"hi," brett muttered. socialization was not on the top of his to do list.
"are you a light sleeper?" elijah asked, his pencil scraping against the thin paper in light circles. brett still couldn't see what he was doing. he didn't care.
"not really," brett shrugged.
elijah nodded and ceased attempts at conversation for awhile, picking up a book and putting down his blue pencil.
the cell remained silent as brett laid down in his bed, covering himself completely with his blanket. it was softer than the ones at eddy's prison, but not like the one in his office.
sleep crossed brett's mind as he rolled to face the wall, his eyelids becoming heavier by the second. the boy he loved began to predominate his thoughts again as he listened to elijah turning the pages in his book and trying to guess when the next soft sound would come from the other side of the small room.
"what did you do?" elijah asked suddenly, pulling brett out of his half asleep state.
"drugs," he muttered without opening his eyes, already drifting off again.
"sleep tight," elijah chuckled, noticing the sleepiness in brett's voice.
there was no reply from the other boy as he succumbed to the tiredness, his heart aching.
;
nearly 250 miles south of where brett slept, eddy sat in his office with his head in his hands. it would be at least a few days before he could call brett. his phone number had to be added to the visitation list and it wasn't exactly one of the staff's priorities to make sure their new inmate could call someone.
not being able to see brett wasn't the only thing causing eddy's pain. not knowing if he was okay or how he was doing made the warden sick to his stomach. the hatred brett had for prisons and prison procedures was no secret to eddy and it was hard to imagine him having to go through them again, especially in such an unstable state of mind.
the passing of time seemed to be a completely different experience when eddy's day didn't contain the sound of brett's laughter or the feeling of his skin against the palms of eddy's hands when he slipped them under the older boy's shirt. minutes felt twice as long as usual and it seemed as if the number of the hour would never change. the mindless, mundane work that filled eddy's day was torturous instead of merely unpleasant.
when eddy finally made it through the work day and got to go home, he was surprised to find that he didn't feel better. he went straight to his kitchen and stopped in his tracks at the sight of the tile floor as he'd done countless times since the night he'd laid there, helpless and unconscious for hours. the ability to lay eyes on the rectangles in the patterned flooring without remembering the smell of the alcohol was no longer one he possessed. he stood there for awhile, frozen in time yet again.
however, the clock seemed to speed up as the warden laid in his bed alone, thinking only of the boy in orange who'd caught his eye the first day they saw each other. hours passed before he finally fell into a dreamless sleep.