It's Time

Letter 2: Your Crush

Dear Blake,

Blake, Blake, Blake.

I love saying your name. I love how easily it rolls off my tongue. I know so many others say that the name sucks, but it's thanks to you that I love the name so much. Despite what others do say, Blake is a wonderful name. It's elegant as well as fun, and the name suits you perfectly. I simply cannot imagine you with another name.

Blake Davis. There, I wrote down your full name. I might as well since nobody will ever read these letters. Once I'm finished with them I fully intend to burn these letters immediately. I don't want to risk anyone ever finding them.

You know what? I don't even know why I like you because you are an ass to me. There are so many better looking guys in our school, but I don't know why I had to pick you. Did I mention you are an ass? Just last week you punched me in the shoulder because apparently I told Max that you were a dick. Now, let's just be clear about something. You are a dick, but I would never say anything bad about anyone behind their backs, even if it's in a joking manner.

But I'm kind of an ass to you too. I annoy you because you annoy me. Although you can be really mean sometimes, when we argue, I love it. It amuses me and it clearly amuses you too. I know if I were to really send this letter, you would ask me when did I ever develop this crush on you.

We are graduating in a few months from high school, so I guess it was five months ago I started seeing you in a different light. We were finally getting along much better than we ever had, and my feelings had to fuck it up. Because of them, I want to be more than friends. Because of them, nothing could be easy between us while I held on to them. There are many times I wished I wouldn't feel this towards you. There's a problem though. Sometimes, I love the way you make me feel. The butterflies you cause to flutter in my stomach gives me an exhilarating feeling. The sparks I feel when we accidentally touch are addicting. I love that you occupy my thoughts because if you didn't, I wouldn't feel like I do now. I would be thinking about worse things. Things that I don't want to plague myself with. 

When Emily killed herself, the person I feared would hate me the most was you. I was so scared you would be your usual self and be completely angry with me. I was so afraid you would shut me out. Then you did the most unexpected thing ever. You apologized. You told me that you were sorry I was going through this. That none of us deserved what was going on. You promised me you would keep me and the rest of the group safe from them. I guess that's one of the reasons I have a crush on you. You can be so selfless when you want to.

However, you and I were never that close. When Emily introduced me to you guys you said, "What the hell is she doing here?" I can tell you that that hurt so much, I nearly burst into tears again. You hated me with such a passion for the first month I had joined our group. You made my life a living hell. You bullied me sometimes and called me names. But then one day, you were much nicer to me. I have no idea what made you change your mind about me, but you did. I don't know if any of the boys or girls made you change your mind about me. Although I'm curious and I want to know, I'm thankful you decided to give me a chance. That's why I'm not pestering you about it. 

As a girl, I am allowed to have a feature that I like most about you. Your eyes. They are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. I swear, the first time I saw you, all I thought about was how gorgeous they were. They're a beautiful green; the shade that's like grass. Whenever I look at them, I feel giddy all over as well as a wave of jealousy. I've always wanted green eyes. I can just look at them forever because although they are so green, they do have flecks of gold or orange in them. I don't know  exactly which color because if I stare for too long you would think I'm weird. They are so fascinating and unique. I bet you if you asked anyone what was the best feature you had, they would say your eyes without a doubt. Unless they were very shallow, then they would say your body or something. 

And just like Emily, you aren't part of the popular crowd either; I have no idea why. You try to hide how good you look though. And so many people say glasses make people nerds and you wear one. So that's probably why. Did I mention how awesome your eyes are? Probably. 

While I'm writing this, the thought has crossed my mind: what would happen if you ever read this? I have no idea if you even return the feelings or not. I wish you did because then that would make me ecstatic. If I sent this message to you, would you throw it back at me and laugh at my face? I don't know. I never will because, of course, common sense won out and I thought of the negative consequences. 

I often did wonder if you ever returned my feelings, and I thought of how happy I would feel. How a part of me would be jumping for joy. Jumping would be an understatement. But then I think about how I don't deserve you. How much of a load you would be carrying if you ever chose me. It would be a burden for someone as awesome as you to have a relationship with somebody like me. 

You deserve someone who is happy, sweet, and kind. Someone who had Emily's personality. Not a formerly popular girl who was the reason why her best friend killed herself. Not someone who sometimes doesn't have it in her to feel sympathy for someone sometimes. Not someone like me. Someone like Kate Prince. Someone else. Not me though, because I think I'm as bad as Julie. Maybe even worse in my own twisted special way. 

But you always tell me that it isn't the case. That I am a million times better than Julie. Well, you're a trillion times better than I am. 

Love, 

Jennifer.