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Plan

Jorge's pov

I pulled back from the hug with carter, and looked into his rear filled eyes.

"Tell me about the person you fell in love with." He said, a sad smile playing on his lips.

I was upset. It hurt re living all of the memories with benji, especially knowing I was the one who fucked it up.

"Uhm," I shifted uncomfortably on my bed ," okay.." I said trailing off.

"I met him at summer camp." I said. Carter nodded.

"He was nice, I was immediately attracted to him. He's tall, has dark brown hair, and he's tan." I said, remembering one of the first times I saw him.

He was asleep on the top bunk. His arms were sprawled out beside him, and he had earbuds in.

His mouth was slightly agape, he looked so at peace.

"He sounds nice." Carter said, smiling.

I nodded, looking down.

He was nice, and I ruined it.

Like I do with all good things.

"Yeah, he was." I said, remembering the day at the lake, when we rode paddle boats with xowie, Noen and Abby.

And then we got to the lake we all ate.

But benji had been pushing me away that whole day, so I held his hand under the table.

It was nice.

Why did I ruin it.

Memories of him feel warm.

Now everything is so goddamn cold.

"I fucked it up, Carter." I said, looking at him.

I didn't want to cry again, but the tears stung my eyes. I tried to blink them away.

"What do you mean , jey?" He asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I..." I started, trailing off.

I remembered the fight. When I told him we should stop because I couldn't handle a long distance relationship.

"I think we should break up when summer ends." I had said.

I never saw someone's heart drop as fast as I did.

"I told him we shouldn't be together anymore. I told him I was scared." I said.

It became silent. It was almost like I could feel carter went through something like this.

Maybe he did.

"Scared of what?" He asked.

He knew what I was scared of. He just wanted me to say it. Yeah, maybe that'd be good for me.

I held my fist tight, as if threatening to fight off all of my insecurities.

"Of love." I said.

He let a breath out.

"You love him?" He asked, I rubbed my thumb over my knuckles, soothing over my hand.

"I ..."  I stared to speak.

I was going to say I don't know. It would be easier, to say that

I wish I didn't know. Maybe I wouldn't care as much, maybe I wouldn't be as messed up as I am now.

"..yeah. I-I do." I spoke, and a tear I didn't know was there fell past my eye and fell down my cheek.

It made a soft 'thud' when it hit the top of my shoe.

"Then what are you doing?" He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, clasping my hands together.

"Jorge, if you love him, you should be making an effort. Don't smoke the pain away with this," he said, picking up the blunt I left on the plate with old chicken nugget crumbs ," this won't solve the pain," he said, holding it between his thumb and pointer finger.

"It only numbs it, and not even for long." He spoke.

The words bit at my heart. Of course I already knew that, how could I not?

But I didn't want it to be true. Sometimes I feel if I don't think something maybe I can convince myself it's not real.

It never works.

"What should I do, then?" I asked, wiping my eyes with my sleeve and looking at him.

"He hates me." I said.

Carter shook his head.
"No, he doesn't. He's just hurting. He needs to see you make an effort, and apologize. He needs to see you care, because I'm sure he does thinking he's the only one who cares." He said.

Fuck.

"He has a boyfriend." I said, taking the blunt from him and letting it roll over the palm of my hand.

"Yeah?" He asked. I nodded.

"How long ago did you break up with him?" He asked.

I rubbed my lips together.
I never thought back to how long ago it was.

A month? Maybe?
It felt like a year.

"A month." I said.

He nodded.
"He has  a boyfriend and you guys only broke up a month ago. Do you think he loved you?" He asked.

I didn't want to say yes, because I guess truly I wouldn't know. I'm not him.

But the way he looked at me, like I put the stars in the sky.

Or the way he kissed me, like each time he'd never see me again,

He had to of loved me.

"I think he might've." I said.

"So he loved you, you broke up with him a month ago, and he has a new boyfriend? He's hurt, and trying to numb the pain. His boyfriend? He's his drug, he makes him numb." Carter said.

I was astonished, I hadn't thought of it that way at all.

Well, I hadn't been thinking much. I've been to sad to, honestly.

But this, this means he might love me? Still?

If that's true, it's a risk I'll have to take.

"You're right, I'm going to try. I'm going to make things okay again." I said.

Carter smiled, patting my back and leaving my room.

"And , throw that blunt away. Tell me how much you paid for it and I'll pay you it back, but I don't want you using it. Okay?" He said.

I nodded, tossing it in the trash behind me.

He smiled.

"Goodnight." He said.

"Goodnight." I replied.

He shut my door and let it click.

I was going to apologize to benji. I was going to make things right.

I just had to figure out how.