Back home • boyxboy

Understanding

Ben & Max pov

The moment those words, of pure, and absolute heartbreak left Benji's lips and entered bens heart

That's the moment Ben ran.

Well, is started out as a walk, but then tears looked over and dripped down his face, and he sped up the pace, running fully down the hall.

His mind had no idea where he was going, but his legs seemed to know exactly where, and how to get there.

He ended up in an empty hall, with closed lockers and one boy leaning up against them with his phone.

"Max." Ben croaked out, causing the dark haired boy to look up from his phone to see the heartbroken boy.

His heart sunk immediately, and he ran over to Ben.

He threw his lanky arms around him, and held him close.

Ben started crying, the closeness between the two plus the empty hall made his sobs echo.

"Shh, Ben. Ben, what happened?" Max asked, rubbing a hand up from his back to his hair, and swiping it over, and out of his face.

Bens lips trembled.

"B-Benji bro-broke u-up with m-m-me." Ben stuttered, failing you catch his breath.

That's when Max became an immediate mixture of angry, sad, and something else.

Max has seen the way Benji looked and this new kid. He didn't know who he was or where he came from , but he knew he wasn't Ben. That was all that mattered.

Sure, Max didn't like Ben being with Benji. He hated it, actually. Everything about it was so wrong.

Max was the one who loved Ben. Max was the one who cared for him, who brought him ice cream when he was sad, and cuddled him to sleep when he was so upset he thought it was the end of the world.

All Benji ever did was screw it all up. Benji would do the simplest things, and yet they would have Ben blushing like a teenage girl.

Benji would get hurt? Ben was there with the cute Mickey Mouse bandaids.

Benji would be upset? Ben was there to tell him it was all alright.

And if Benji ever got a girlfriend? Ben was at my door, sobbing, and shaking, asking me but I knew it was more himself why Benji didn't love him back.

And all I could do was hold him still, so no broken pieces would fall and shatter to the floor.

Ben didn't like me back when we were kids. He only had eyes for Benji's and anytime I ever did something for him it went under appreciated and over looked.

So I tried to push it away. I pushed away the crush I had on Ben.

It was infuriating that he didn't like me back. Not that he had to, but that it was so draining putting my all in someone who wouldn't do the same for me.

So I stopped.

Girls liked me. It was easy with girls

They would call me cute and ask for my number.

When I got older they would ask me to come over. So I did.

Any girl that ever wanted anything from me, got it.

I wanted the hurt to go away.

Soon enough, I had been with so many girls that I just convinced myself liking Ben was a phase.

Internal homophobia is no joke.

You can't accept yourself

So you turn into who everyone else wants you to be

Or who you want to be to everyone else.

So I started saying slurs to people.

I would look at a gay couple and get so fucking jealous that they can accept themselves enough to be with who they love

And then I'd get mad at myself for being jealous, because I'm not gay. Being gay is wrong.

It became a reflex.

'Oh he's cute'

'Shut the fuck up, you aren't some faggot'

It's not right, it never was and it never will be.

And when I saw the boy that Benji looked at like he chose the color of the sky

That's when I became unhinged.

I love Ben but I love him enough that I think Benji should treat him better

So I pushed around his little toy. I didn't even fucking know his name.

I got us in trouble, yeah.

But I didn't care.

When I walked out of that front office, alongside syd and the boy, I caught eyes with Ben.

And he was instantly upset with me.

He found me at lunch and yelled at me, told me not to hurt jorge because he was important to Benji

I just looked into his eyes, and stared.

"He's important to Benji, but are you?" I asked.

He didn't answer me, he just walked out of the cafeteria, and pushed past the doors.

He was definitely upset.

All because Benji fucked it up. Again.

There was a point, a point when Benji had a girlfriend and Ben was upset all the time.

One night when he came to my house and I held him , he kissed me.

He let me have a chance. He let me be his, like I had always wanted to be.

But I didn't accept myself. One moment I was with him and the next I was crying into my pillow because I hated myself so fucking much.

I didn't want to be out in public with him because I didn't want people to think I was gay, I'm not gay.

He rightfully got upset, and left me.

It was all my fault.

Because I couldn't be the boyfriend he needed, the one to love him and support him.

I couldn't be the boyfriend that accepted himself enough to love him back as much as he needed.

But even that wasn't a lot. He didn't love me, he just wanted a relationship to get his mind off of Benji.

And the second he got into a relationship with him, Benji fucks it all up.

I hate Benji.

Screw him.

"I'm so sorry." I said, into the crook of his neck, the memories now leaving my head like a draining bag of sand.

I held him tight, as his body shook from the tears escaping his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Ben, for everything." I cried,

"For all of it. I'm so sorry, and if we could just start I would, I would make it right this time." I began to enter his state of sadness.

And there we stood holding each other, both of us absolute train wrecks in the school hallway.

I love him , I thought,  I love him I love him I love him I love him

And it's okay

-

It's getting real y'all