@ErinYungWriter
Chapters read:
Prologue - Chapter 2
Title:
It's okay, intriguing in a sense that it make me wonder why you chose this of all things to be your title. It sounds more like a psychological thriller than a fantasy book.
Cover: 3/10
I'll be honest the cover makes me not want to read the book. If I wasn't reviewing the cover would have sent me packing.
There's too much white space and it just looks very unprofessional. I'd suggest getting a cover from one of the many shops on wattpad. You can dm me for suggestions.
Honestly, after reading the prologue the cover is even more upsetting because it doesn't do your writing justice.
Blurb: 6.5/10
First thing is I'm slammed with a wall of text. Please break up the paragraphs😭
I like the start with you telling us about the gentry but it's oversaturated with words and that's the opposite of what you want in a blurb. "Gentry are the superior race on Rohlm" would have done just fine.
The thing that sticks out to me the most are the two differing prophecies so I think you should center your blurb more around that. I like the bit about the two girls but it's too disconnected for the first paragraph.
The main thing I'd say, though, is cut the blurb down a bit. You don't need to tell us everything, just the interesting bits. There was a bit too much information and too little pizzazz for me.
Miscellaneous: I noticed that from Chapter 7 you started giving the chapters names. If you want to do that name all the chapters, inconsistency is not attractive. On that note chapter 7 is written like "Chapter 7 Sentry's Council". It's missing a dash.
Opening paragraph: 7.5/10
See PROLOGUE below.
Punctuation and grammar: 7/10
I go in depth on this in the chapter reviews below. In chapter two there were a few instances when character names were misspelled. And the "Gorge" only became capitalized later on so you need to be consistent with that.
Plot: 6.5/10
I'm giving it a 6.5 because as much as I like the concept I have been giving almost nothing about the character's motivation and so it makes the whole journey they want to undergo kind of hollow.
Pacing: 8.5/10
The pacing was very good! There were some times I felt like it was dragging on a bit but it was never rushed and I never felt bored.
Characters: 10/10
I love the characters I've seen so far and I'm starting to hear some distinctive voices. Obviously I cannot really judge in one chapter but Emme and Mai's relationship is portrayed so well that it has to be a 10!
Creativity: 9/10
I was going to say 8.5 because obviously earth bending and a circle society have been done before but you're putting your own spin on it and I can see that even from the first chapter. I can see you've put a lot of work into your world! Well done!
The whole part of about Todey, Zayda and Pure bumped it up to a 9 for me.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I'm really enjoying your story and probably the only thing deterring me is the lack of commas and the long chapters (but that's a me thing please don't feel the need to change the chapter lengths). So far it's a really cool story that I would totally recommend to others. Well done!
PROLOGUE
Hmm okay so I like the idea of a fury of caretakers whirling around her but blood AND. a fury of caretakers just doesn't paint a good picture. There's just something off about it. I'd suggest saying maybe something like "Blood. There was blood everywhere. Although it was barely noticeable due to the fury of caretakers whirling around" Don't you think it sounds better? Idk, that's just my opinion.
