🌙The Lady in the Weeping Mansion🌙

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@BrutalRice

Chapters read: Chapter 1-2

Title:
It definitely gives me more horror vibes than fantasy vibes. If I was looking for a fantasy book I wouldn't expect this to be one.

Cover: 6/10
Same with the cover. It's not *bad* but it screams "horror!" to me not fantasy.

Blurb: 5/10
Now I like the counting idea but it seems to me that there's already a typo. It should be "Boss(es)". And the general rule is that number under 100 are written as words - I also think it just looks better.

The first paragraph isn't really necessary to me. I don't think it's adding any value to the blurb but if you really want to keep it I think it should be "their existence (is) unknown to the non spirit users, (who are the majority of the population)." I still think you don't you need it.

There are also quite a lot of typos.

The rebellious(, fifteen) year old flame user, Kaizen, and his unusually timid(, twelve) year old friend, Saito, (go) on a mission to the ancient Kingdom of Batilda, in the hopes of untangling the mysteries of the (seven) Silent Souls.

But things (take) a drastic turn: Batilda is (in complete chaos.) (There are) thousands of missing people, (a) mass breakout of bile fugitives, (and midnight screams) from the esoteric Royal Palace that (haunt) the entire kingdom.

And I'd suggest rephrasing the questions like "Will Kaizen and Saito defeat the bad guys or, rather, will they become the very people they once sought to destroy?" Maybe not exactly like that but it's worth taking a second look at.

And the bit about the guard and princess is a bit abrupt, it seems to come from nowhere so you might want to add a line before it to introduce it.

All in all I think the blurb has a lot of potential. (And after reading the story I don't think the blurb is an accurate display of your writing. The blurb is definitely not doing your story justice).

Opening paragraph: 8/10
See CHAPTER ONE below.

Punctuation and grammar: 6/10
Most errors had already been pointed out by previous comments.

Plot: 7.5/10
The plot seems very intriguing and, like I said, your world is really cool. I am excited to see how what I've read so far will connect back to the blurb. It's cool that we have a bit of foreshadowing and get to see the events before the blurb unfold (I also hope we'll get to see Saito and Kaizen's motivation as thats currently unclear).

Pacing: 7.5/10
For the most part the pacing is very good like, for example, chapter two is brilliant. The switching of povs in chapter one was a bit jarring so I think you might want to make those a bit smoother. Chapter two was way easier for me to fully immerse myself in and I think that's because we stuck to Saito's pov.

Characters: 8/10
So far the characters are very well done. There has been a good mix of showing and telling like in Saito's case - we are told some things but we also get to see his character for ourselves (but with Rain's second wife there is A LOT of telling). For the most part you struck a very good balance, well done!

Creativity: 8/10
With the Lords and Bosses and Realms and that whole bit with the prison and the princess I think you've demonstrated a lot of creativity! I also like how you've added your own spin so for example some of the Lords being named like Lust and Envy and Rage.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
It was very well written and the descriptions were very fun to read!

CHAPTER ONE

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