Would You Hate Me Then?

Three Hours

Numbness took over as I tried to figure out why I'm here. What is this supposed to prove to myself? That I am completely insane? That I spent too much time on chasing Albert? Does it even matter anymore? I shook my head, eyes falling to the desk beside me catching glimpses of all the papers with the label Umbrella at the top. I sat down at my desk before sifting through the papers, finding all the questions I used to have that I had long since answered... or forgot about entirely. I ran my fingers through my hair as I read through several packets of pointless ideas or facts surrounding Albert. "What a waste of time..." I muttered to myself as I leaned back in my chair, eyes rolling across the posted notes on the wall once again.

I wasted all my time, at this point I don't even think I can blame Nickolas over it. I was a shut in, and a paper pusher. No one told me to be, it seemed easier to be that way at the time. Focus all my energy on work so I didn't have any focus left to contemplate what I never got over. My own worst enemy has, and always will be myself. It's no wonder I...

My heart jumped at the sound of a phone ringing, startling me to my core. I retrieved the phone from my pocket, glancing at the caller ID that read Albert. With a suppressed sigh I forced myself to answer. "Hello?" I inquired calmly, assuming if I acted fine he wouldn't suspect a thing... who am I kidding, he probably already knows I'm gone.

"Where did you go?" He questioned softly, "I just got back from the lab and you're nowhere to be found."

"Needed some fresh air," I replied, not entirely lying or telling the truth.

"So you're outside then?"

"Not exactly," I answered, heart tensing when he hesitated to respond.

"Where are you?"

"Physically, somewhere. Mentally... lost," I said, voice bitter and quiet.

"Are you... Will you come back?" I held back an amused chuckle due to his lack of certainty.

"Eventually," I replied honestly.

"That doesn't sound very convincing." There was a short pause, "Just tell me where you are so we can talk, in person." I need to be alone right now, I can't stand the look I know he has... that desperate, heart wrenching look with a slight frown. Eyes swarming with despair, and... I simply can't bear it. "Anastasia?" I bit my lip, heart clenching at the sadness underlining his tone. "How can I convince..." I dropped the phone from my ear as I hung up, unable to stand the pain in his voice.

Slowly I stood before turning to the door, putting one foot in front of the other until I was standing beside my couch. I fell onto the stiff piece of furniture, frowning as I leaned onto my knees. The only thing in my apartment that makes it look like someone lived here is the papers, that's not a good thing... but it's the only thing tying me to this place. Yet I chose to come here, maybe I needed the reality check. Needed to prove to myself there was never a part of my life before him, that I cared about... that I missed. Just Jill, and Chris... After Nickolas I cut all ties with everyone. I wasn't even on good terms with my parents...

Jesus, hardly ever think about them. If they could see me now, bet they'd widen their eyes... questioning what in the hell happened to me. Of course they knew about Nickolas, but they couldn't understand how much it broke me. Sad thing is I stopped caring about what everyone thought, even when they were right. Mom was right, dad was right, my friends were right. Instead of listening to them I just ran, and ran, and I'm still running. I wish I realized that sooner. Wish I called mom back...

My eyes slowly trailed over to the answering machine sitting atop the kitchen bar. With an empty feeling inside, I forced myself to my feet. With a pained exhale I walked over to the machine, finger hesitating to press the replay button. My eyes began to throb as my heart clenched, and my pointer finger pressed the button. "One, saved message. Saved message," there was a pause before my mother's gentle voice came on.