Would You Hate Me Then?

It Just Gets Better, and Better...

I smoothed my clothes out after tying the laces of my combat boots, glaring at the door for a long while. I pulled my hair through the black hat I put on my head, after tugging my lightweight black jacket on tighter I grasped the door handle. With a serious expression, cold stare, I turned the knob slowly.

Light swarmed me as though it were water, filling up the room around me... making me feel as though I'd drown. Can't stay in a dark room forever, as Albert so blatantly pointed out before. So, I let my eyes water at the blur of white until they adjusted to the same colored hall. With an inhale, and long exhale I closed the door before sauntering down the hall despite my inner panic... begging me to go back to my room. I don't even know what I'm doing, do I? 'You should go talk to him baby...' First I hear Nickolas, now you? Life just keeps getting better and better. 'There are worse things, you would know. Just give up, you're not yourself any longer... you're...' "Anastasia?" I halted in the hall, feeling his eyes burn holes right through me. I didn't dare turn around, I bit my lip as it quivered and emotion overwhelmed me. "Anastasia I..." he cleared his throat as my breath ceased to be in my lungs, but I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. "Finally out of bed," he stated though his tone was ice cold.

"Ya," I croaked out, not wanting to respond yet I did so regardless.

"Go see Martin, he has been wanting to see you," Albert muttered before walking past me. Shoulder bumping my side though he didn't care to apologize or even look at me for that matter. Guess that's fair. 'Just tell him the truth baby, you've said it a hundred different ways... just tell him...'

"Hey, I... I'm," my lips stuttered as he halted, turning his head to the side yet he still didn't meet my gaze... wouldn't matter either, he hides his eyes behind his glasses.

"Don't bother," he exhaled in frustration. "Just, go," I felt my eyes burn at his words, knowing what they meant. Deep down... 'Now is as good a time as any...'

"Fine," I mumbled starting to walk away but I stopped. 'Look at you running again, predictable.' I closed my eyes for a moment, heart seeming to clench from a mixture of feelings. "Albert," I turned to look at him, he seemed frozen in the same position though. "I'm messed up, I feel like all I have left is hate, but... I didn't mean what I said," I felt my eyes begin to water. "I am sorry, that when you try to help me I push you away... because I need..." I trailed off, seemingly out of breath when he turned to look at me finally with a deep sunken frown.

"Need what? To scream at me more, call me obscene phrases? When all I ever want is to help, even when I can't?" He growled, "I want so desperately to help you, so by all means. Tell me what it is you need. I am all ears Miss Wilder," Albert's tone was hurtful, full of anger and pain... 'Now or never babydoll. What do you have to lose?'

"I know, but you can't help me. I'm just broken," I held my breath, attempting to keep my emotions at bay. "I don't need help," 'That's it...' "I don't want it." I paused hearing Ana's voice in my head telling me to just say it.

"Then what, what in god's name do you need?" He practically snarled in rage, arms crossed as his blunt expression made my heart twist.

"You," I said softly, smiling sadly as tears leaked from my eyelids. I tilted my head, watching his expression shift to that of anguish like my own. "And I'm sorry I fucked up, it's just something I do... I'm really good at it." He sighed, wanting to say something but his mouth just closed since I chose to walk away. Doesn't matter what he says, there's nothing to say anymore. Why waste the breath? 'I'm shocked, you actually admitted it...'

I waited in the elevator alone, mind wandering to days I consider the 'good' ones anymore. With a slight turn of my head I recalled when Albert and I stood too close, when he held me in his arms... And you think you fucked things up so bad you can't just fix them? You know what I need right now? A drink? 'No Nickolas, she needs a punching bag.' Is both not an option? May as well Precious. 'You seem tense baby, why don't you just...' Oh I will believe me.