The Last Theiro

35

Tessa
•••

There are times my brain fries up. It's no excuse I know; I own my behaviour. I try to help, try to be good, and then a trigger is flicked.

My emotions turn - cold, fearful, anxious... I back away, flee, or strike out at someone who loves me. In those moments I was least proud of who I was, for I failed to be the warrior I was born to be, the strong woman with the softness of a mother.

Instead, I showed the frightened child within, damaged and afraid, the one still hiding in the dark. I knew those are things for me to work on, not for others to mitigate, I was an adult after all. Yet I asked for consideration, that my fear triggers are left alone until my body stops living in a state of flight or fight until I find a way back to being calm and steady. I had been stable many years, caring for others, pouring out love without measure, yet never knowing how to ask for it. And that is what broke me.

"Tessa," Cassia murmured and lifted her hand to my shoulder.

I flinched away from her touch. "Don't." I needed to get away from her.

Her green eyes brimmed with tears and I fought the urge to comfort her. I had to lose any connection I had with her, that way I couldn't hurt her.

"How are you?"

I lifted my eyes to her and my heart clenched. I was hurting her without even touching her. What was wrong with me?

"Tessa, please." Cassia began sobbing. "Say something. Talk to me."

Regret washed over me like the long slow waves on a shallow beach. Each wave was icy cold and sent shivers down my spine. How I longed to go back and take a different path, but now that was impossible. There was no way back. There was no way to make it right. The remorse would eat at me every day of my life. 

Cassia fell to her knees and her body shook uncontrollably. Tears streaked her cheeks and her voice cracked. "You are my family." She took a shuddering breath. "I love you."

I clenched my jaw and bent down to her, taking her hands in mine. She looked up at me, hope clear in her green eyes. It surprised me that after everything that happened, she still held onto the hope that our relationship could be rekindled. I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. The gesture caught her by surprise as she froze, then slowly did the same.

I pulled away, still smiling. "You don't love me. You are ashamed of me." Cassia's face fell. "You hid me away like a monster."

"They were afraid of you. They were all afraid of you." She paused. "I was afraid of you."

I cringed and stood up but Cassia pulled me down to her, holding me close to her chest, afraid she would lose me forever.

"And we were so wrong. But what I did, I did out of love. You have to understand that."

Tears flowed unchecked down her cheeks and dripped from her chin. She was too sad to cry out or wail, she just sat there as still as a statue while the magnitude of her loss swept over her. Cassia knew she lost me the moment I found out the truth, but still, she held onto hope. Was she foolish or should I have fought harder?

"I love you," she croaked through broken sobs.

I shook my head. "You loved Thomas. And Thomas loved me. So you felt obligated to love me. You never really had a choice."