Confessions of a Broken Heart

IX - Incredulous

Chapter 9: Incredulous

Hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Halos pagabi na nang muli akong lapitan ng mga kaibigan ko at muli akong paalalahanan na kumain na. Kanina ko pa kasi tinatanggihan ang mga alok nila.
Wala kasi akong gana. Ni hindi ako makaramdam ng pagod at gutom. Ayokong iwan si JM, eh. Natatakot akong iwan siya.

Nang muling bumalik si Thea at Kuya Bash sa tabi ko ay hindi na ako nakatanggi pa nang igiya nila ako palabas para kumain sa canteen ng ospital. Pinagalitan nila 'ko kaya naman nagpatianod nalang ako. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi. Alam kong nag-aalala lang sila sa akin at ginagawa lang nila ang dapat.

Pumalit si Roge, Jhen at Dwin sa akin mula sa pagbabantay kay JM. Saktong kalalabas lang namin ng kwarto when the doctor suddenly arrived. Agad ko siyang sinalubong at kinausap. "Doc, I'm JM's girlfriend. Kamusta na po si JM? Ano na po'ng lagay niya?"

Nakita kong rumehistro sa mukha nito ang lungkot at pagkatapos ay umiling. "Tatapatin na kita, iha. Unstable pa din ang kondisyon niya. Oo nga't nagkaroon ng kaunting responses ang nerves niya,
pero hindi sapat 'yon para masabi kong ligtas na siya. After that brief response yesterday, his body did not respond again that's why he's still in coma. Look, his case is DAI and his injury is severe, we can't perform a surgery.." he sighed. "I'm sorry to say this but his condition is fatal and critical. Tatagan at ihanda niyo ang loob niyo. In most cases, many people do not survive severe head injuries. Mostly, it causes the patient to be in a vegetative state or worst, death. But if he happens to survive this, he will be left unconscious and never regain consciousness--"

"What?! The fuck are you saying?!" putol ko sa sinasabi nito. Hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang kanyang mga sinabi! "You're telling me na kahit makaligtas siya dito, hindi na siya magigising?! What are you saying?!" galit kong asik rito.

"I'm sorry, iha.." tanging sagot nito at saka ako tinapunan ng nakikisimpatyang tingin. Lalong tumaas ang galit sa dibdib ko. "Ano'ng karapatan mong sabihin sa'kin 'yan?! Who are you to say that?! Bakit, Diyos ka ba?! Diyos ka ba at pinangungunahan mo ang mga mangyayari?! You're just a doctor! You're just human so who are you to say that
to my face?! Alam kong matagal ang taong ginugol mo para pag-aralan ang propesyong ito! Maaaring ikaw ang pinaka-matagal at pinaka-magaling dito! You may have a lot and the best of experience but you're still human, nagkakamali ka rin! How dare you say that to me?!"

Naramdaman ko nalang ang pag-awat ng dalawang kaibigan ko sa akin. Narinig kong humingi sila ng paumanhin sa doktor. Tumalikod at umalis nalang ang kawawang doktor at iniwan na kami.

Nanghihinang unti-unti akong napaupo. Nagsunod-sunod na naman ang patak ng mga luha ko bagaman hinihingal pa rin ako dahil sa galit na nararamdaman.

"What did you do, Anne?! Are you out of your mind?!" galit na hinarap ako ni Thea. Si Kuya Bash ay mariing nakatitig sa akin habang nakahalukipkip. "You just made a scene, damn it!! Doktor 'yong binastos mo at nakakahiya, Anne!! He just answered your questions and gave you facts--"

"Well, I don't need those kind of answers! I need someone who will tell me that JM will wake up soon and he will get better! I need someone who will tell me that everything is going to be alright and things will go back just the way before! I don't need someone who will tell me the worst possibilities that might happen to JM! JM will wake up! Kailangan niyang magising! He can't leave me! Do you understand, Thea?! Hindi niya 'ko pwedeng iwan!!"

Thea rushed to me and hugged me tight. Pero patuloy ako sa pag-iyak at pagwawala.

"Do you believe that doctor, Thea? You believed in him, don't you?! Sinungaling siya! He's saying bullshit and I just can't take it! JM won't do that to me! Hindi niya 'ko iiwan! Sa'kin ka maniwala, Thea! JM can't leave me! That won't happen! He can't do that to me!"

To hell with being hysterical and making a scene! I'm crying my heart out because I can't seem to stand all the hurt and pains. At the back of my head, alam ko ang totoong dahilan ng galit at pagwawala ko..

Hindi ko matanggap ang lahat ng sinabi ng doktor. Dahil alam ko, lahat ng 'yon ay posibleng mangyari. And I'm not prepared for that. I'm not ready and I'm never going to be ready with those possibilities.

Ang puso, isip at buong pagkatao ko kahit kailan ay hindi matatanggap ito. I keep losing my faith no matter how much I tell
myself to keep holding on. And it pains me so much. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared. Everything and every second makes me scared. Scared that all of these will come to happen soon. Most scared that JM might not wake up and he will be forever gone..

Malakas akong napahagulgol. Thea hugged me more hanggang sa lumapit na rin si Kuya Bash. Both of them tried to calm me down but I cried and cried even more..

***

Revised: 06.06.2020 / 05:34am