Head over Heels (ON HOLD)

Chapter.17

Remo.

Shit! Shit!

I shouldn't have had taken her to Roger's. Fuck! If hadn't I called out for Rachel on time...I don't know what all would have Kiara blurted out. I feeling smashing myself or I feel like beating the shit out of something.

Duckface!

I have been acting as a dickhead from the time we have headed out  from there. I have been acting all weird with her! She doesn't deserve this. But I still can't find peace with the new fucking piece of gentleman. I am glad that even she hasn't made a move to talk. She might have sensed my being out of track.

Fuck you Remo! Fuck you for being an asshole! Fuck you for your past! And above all fuck you for not being a man that she deserves. What was I thinking when I wanted her? Am I not being a sick bastard for drawing her into my hell? Who the hell am I to mask her light with my darkness? She's Scarlet and she needs her own Butler! Not a doomed Pluto like me! I can't be her Butler! I tried. But I realize how wrong I was. Our world's can never be the same. Since I being the selfish son of a bitch drew her into my abode of hell!

When I turn to look at her, I am amazed. Her angelic face, those pouty lips, that deeply set dark pair of eyes, her eyes, which always sets me on fire from within. It evokes a feeling in me to  change...change for the better...change for her! But who the hell am I joking with? It's me... Remo fucking Falcone. No amount of love or no amount of pleading can change the real Me!! I am doomed for life!

I feel void. A pain surging through my every fucking beating pulse. I don't feel anything now. It's just that I am a limbo now. Nothing else.

This has to end. Someone has to mark the end to the beginning of the chaos.

But, what if the forest has already been set on fire? My inner voice mocks at me. I shunt it for now.

She winces when she shifts in her seat. Damn it! That too, I being the reason. I have become the sole reason for all her pain. She'll feel sore for days if she isn't to continue with the workout.

I enjoyed working out with her. My happiness knew no bounds when she wore my T-shirt. She was looking fuckingly perfect in those. I loved her in my dress. Damn! She's still wearing them.

"You will be in pain for few days." I tell her.

She abruptly turns her head in my direction, as if she can't take the fact that I just spoke. Her mouth opens as if to speak but she quickly revives herself.  And instead gives me a quick nod!

Damn it!

She's hurt now physically but soon will be emotionally too. I know that.

I replay the sentence in my mind and stop from speaking those words. But it seems as if my mouth is detached from my brains today and it seems as if it got connected with Rachel's.

"You want to tell me something?" She asks.

Damn it!

"No. What happened?"

She eyes me for a minute, and seems to read my mind.

"Your face says so."

"Nothing of your concern." Shit! It comes our of my mouth more harshly than I had intended to.

"Oh." She sighs. I know I have hurt her.

"Remo, unless you open your feelings with me I can't help you."

"Pardon? Help me? Are you serious Rachel? Christ!" I roll my eyes at her comment.

What the fuck is my problem? She's absolutely right. She's the one helping me out and not the other way round.

I need to get this over with. Now!

"Look at yourself," I wave my hand at her. "It's you, a helpless wench, who can't help but drown herself in self pity. It's me who saved your fucked up ass and not the other way round." I try to mask my guilt with a vicious laugh, but it fails abruptly.

When I look at her I sense that my plan has worked brilliantly. The pain coursing through her eyes is the proof. It seems as if someone has cut open her freshly stitched up wound. The irony being that I was the asshole to stitch it up and now I am the one to rip it apart.

Fuck you Asshole!

Without looking my way, she shrugs her shoulders. And continues to look outside the window. I know I have struck a chord. The vulnerable one. She's not going to last long.

One. Two. Three.

"So that is what you think about me."

Four! There we go...

She seems to access me. But doesn't even flinch for ones. She maintains an outward calm. As if a storm isn't about to blow everything up. I must give her, even though her eyes were on the verge on brimming with tears, she doesn't budge. She holds it back.

My Angel!

I take a deep breath. I grip my steering wheel tightly. Much tighter than indented.

Silence follows the rest of the drive.

When I finally pull infront of her house, she is quick to leave.

"You know what hurts the most Remo?"
A bewildered Rachel asks, standing out.

I turn to look at her. Her face looks disheveled. As if someone punched her hard. I would cut any hand that dares to do that. But the irony is that I am the reason for her affliction.

"Your silence. It hurts the most. Unless you open up more, I don't think there would be any more of us." She throws her hand in the air.

Tears are quick to take place at the corner of her eyes.

"Bye. Bye Remo."

She slams the door with much force than needed. Her bye sounded as if it was the last time we are going to meet. Fuck! She told it, which I wanted to tell her. I thank my stars for the words that left her mouth.

She looks at me, with hope in her eyes. As if I would reach out to her hold her in my arms and soothe the frown between her brow.

Fuck! I want to! But I won't or I can't!

"So this is it. Isn't it?" She asks.

"So far whatever happened between us, doesn't matter to you?"

When I don't answer her, she gets it hard and fast.

"Okay. If it's your choice, then I won't stop you."

"Good..better late than never." She tells more to herself than to me.

I feel like a fucking fool. I want to tell her a lot. But I can't. I am forced not to. I do like her, that's the reason I am keeping my damn gob shut. She won't suffer. Not because of me.

Without another word, I drive away from that place, away from her!
I don't even turn back, to see in what state I have left her!

I have given up the only good thing that was happening in my life!

Did I do right?

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