living for christ

Confused

I've been in a weird place lately when it comes to my faith. Don't get me wrong, I still believe and trust in God, but recently my mind has been very preoccupied with all the issues facing the world right now.

I am Chinese American. I am not shameful of this fact, but unfortunately the Asian American community faced a lot of backlash in the months leading up to the COVID-19 outbreak in the US. I saw elderly Chinese men being beat up out of coronavirus fears and I was so scared that my father wouldn't come back every time he went out after hearing about how a father and a son were attacked in front of a grocery store. I've had my fair share of racial slurs being taunted at me, but it never really bothered me up until now. Until the possibility of being attacked was suddenly very, very real. It didn't help that the president called in the "Chinese virus" in the first few months. He's even calling in the Kung Flu. It's blatantly racist and I don't understand how people are so blind to that fact.

Then the Black Lives Matter protests erupted around the country. I even went out a protested once. I was so heartbroken when I found out what happened to George Floyd that I cried for days. It made me realize how ignorant I was. Black people die at the hands of the police way more than I thought. It's so heartbreaking and I couldn't understand why God is letting this happen to so many innocent people and their families and friends.

I will never, ever understand what it's like to be Black in America. When Asians were being attacked over COVID-19 fears, I felt a sliver of what African Americans feel every single day.

Don't even get my started on conservatives who claim they're Christian. They're filled with so much hate towards every single minority group that it disgusts me that they claim they're Christian. Haven't they ever heard of Christian values? Love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus loves everyone. Everyone sins. Haven't they ever heard of the Good Samaritan?

I couldn't understand why God was letting all of this happen. There's so much racism around the world and on top of that, there's a global pandemic that has taken millions of lives? I couldn't help but ask, "God, why are you doing this?"

I don't think I ever really doubted God. I still believe that He is almighty and He is good, but I'm struggling to see why He's doing this. I don't think no one will ever understand what His plan is. We just have to hope for the best.

I haven't talked about this to my small group leaders yet. Actually, this is the first time I'm really discussing this. I feel like my small group leaders expect me to have a strong and steady relationship with God because I've always had one, but the truth is, I'm really confused right now. It's okay to question some things. We just have to remember that God is good and hopefully soon, we'll see why He's doing what He's doing.