Never Alone || Carchelle

Michelle

"Chelle? Is everything ok?" Carla asks the second my plea falls from my lips and I shake my head. "I'm sorry, I know you must be feeling like shit" I sniff as Carla closes the door behind her, shakes off her shoes and heads over to the sofa. She looks back at me "I'm fine. I'll be ok." she states and I flash her a small smile "Are you sure? Because I know how hard this all is for you. I know how scary it must be to... I dunno" I trail off. Carla pats the sofa besides her "Don't you worry about me Chelle. I told ya, I'll be fine in a while..." I flop on the sofa next to her, shuffling till my head is resting on her lap. Carla absentmindedly strokes my hair and I lean into her embrace. We sit there in silence for a short time, with my mind going in circles trying to figure out how to tell her what's going on, without upsetting her more. I don't want to offload on her when she's just had an abortion. Heaven only knows what she must be feeling and thinking right now, but I can't pretend I'm ok. Not today of all days. Carla shifts and I sit up, grasping her hand and she looks at me, her eyes filled with concern. "Chelle?" she prompts and I sigh. "I don't know how to... I don't want to hurt you but I... I..." I burst into tears and hide my face in my hands as my raw emotions rush to the surface. I finally find the strength to lift my head "I lost a baby a year ago today. His name was Rauri." I choke out . Carla sits there, her head in her hands and my heart almost stops. "Oh Michelle" Carla whispers, her voice shaking as she looks at me, her eyes filling with tears "He came early. I gave birth to him and he never took a breath. He was so tiny, I could hold him in my hands, he was so small. But he had ten fingers, ten mini toes. He was so close to being 24 weeks. A few more days and he would have been saved by the hospital. A few more days and he might have lived. And it was my fault Carla... I couldn't keep him safe. I failed him" I cry . "Why didn't you tell me before Chelle?" She asks as she wraps her arms around me and I fall apart in her arms. "I didn't know how to" I whimper as she caresses my hair and I feel her sigh. "I didn't want you to feel sorry for me... Or pity me... Or think less of my for failing my son.... I miss him so much Carla... I just want my son... I just want to be with my son today..." I wail, tears freely spilling from my eyes and I feel Carla take a sharp in breath "Chelle" she breathes softy, her voice filled with pain and I look up at her "I'm sorry... I know you're in pain too... But I couldn't keep Rauri a secret anymore... I needed to tell someone" I gasp and Carla smiles sadly at me, as she pushes me off her lap and stands up "I'm sorry Chelle, I just need some time alone right now" she says and I nod, brushing the tears off my face as I watch Carla close the door to her room, leaving me once again, alone with only my thoughts for company... "I love you little man" I say, stroking the necklace around my neck, I'd given him a matching one, a little angel so he'd always have a piece of me with him "Mummy loves you Rauri, I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry"....