Never Alone || Carchelle

Hailey

I lie awake, staring at the ceiling. Tomorrow I will be 14. I roll over sighing. "mama? Are you there?" I whisper softly. "Lil Bug" mama replies, her smile seeming to light up the room. She's not as solid around the edges as she was when I was younger, but she's still my mama. "Why are you getting fuzzy?" I ask her and she shrugs "I don't know love". I lie there in silence for a while before I ask "Can I ask you something personal mama?" she nods "Shoot away" Carla replies and I pause "How'd you die?" I muse "Mum's never told me. But if you don't want to talk about it, it's ok". Carla pauses, her face flashing a thousand emotions all at once. "Do you know about your father?" she asks and I nod, growling "He hurt you. I hate him. He's in prison and will be there forever. Well that's what mum said." Carla laughs, it's warm and makes me feel safe "Michelle was always like that. She never liked him. But yes, your father did hurt me." I go to question her again and she stops me "When you're old enough to understand, ya Mum will tell ya... ok" I nod. "But your father killed me, that's why he's in prison" Mama says and I wrinkle my nose "Frank really did a number on the pair of us eh?" I grimace and Carla chuckles " Well that's one way of putting it I guess". "I wish you were really here Mama" I sigh sadly and she nods "Me too love... but you know I loved you every moment I was alive and still love you now?" and I giggle "duh mama. You always say that." and she chuckles again "You're so much like Chelle" and I roll my eyes "She always says I'm like you... do you think Mum's ready to know about you yet?" I ask and mama shakes her head "I don't know if she will ever be love. I know you want to tell her but I've tried talking to her, she can't hear me or see me. Chelle's too upset to deal with the trauma again. But I'm always here for you. No matter what" and I sigh "I guess... I just wish she could see you, just once. She needs to see you to get better". Carla cocks her head "She misses you Mama. I sometimes hear her crying out in the night for you. She drifts off into her head too much and I can tell she blames herself for what happened. If she could just see you or hear you or communicate with you, she might finally heal..." I say and mama ruffles my hair, well tries to, it just creates this weird cold feeling as her hand passes through my head. I shudder "You know I hate it when you do that" I huff lightly and she laughs "Happy birthday Bug" she sings and I yawn "Thanks Mama, I love you" I say and she whispers it back as I fall asleep.... 

Over the years, I see Mama less and less and watch as Mum grows more and more content and happy. I sometimes hear Mama's voice echoing in the back of my head, telling me to fight for my dreams or some other sappy stuff like that. I think she must finally have found a way to speak to Mum because after that night, something changed within them both, like they found their versions of closure. I wish I could really have met Mama, to have seen her, to be hugged by her and to have her swoop into our lives telling us it was all a joke or dream but it's always just been me and my Mum but my Mama ensures wherever I go, I am never alone.