Head In The Stars

Chapter Thirty-two

I've always wondered about hospitals. Some people are scared of them, others believe that they're filled with hope and faith.

I've never really experienced sitting in a hospital for long, painful hours.

My parents were announced dead on the scene and I was too little to be dragged into a hospital.

I lean my head back against the wall and cough. Hospitals are clean, too clean. The floor shows a disoriented reflection of myself in the gleam from the bright lights in the roof.

I groan and stand to continue pacing up and down the hallway. I restlessly run my hands through my hair and over my clothes, straightening them.

Ray appears at the end of the hallway with some food. I run towards him and embrace the smell of Tim Hortons.

"Lets go sit in the waiting room," he suggests quietly. I nod and follow him.

Everything feels so sharp and painful here. You think harder. You cry harder. You shout louder. You're pissed off easier. And it only takes a whole second to break down.

As we sit down, I glance over at Ray. He looks so tired and hurt. Hunter was his brother too and I try to remember that. Ray with his crooked smile and laughter is gone. In his place is a limp, pained replica.

"I'm sorry," I say as tears fill my eyes. I grab Ray's hand as I cry. "I'm so so sorry."

"Avril," he says. "Avril, Avril. It's not your fault. Don't cry. Oh fuck."

We both cry and clutch each other. This is all too much and we're too young for this. We shouldn't be sitting in a hospital. We should be having adventures and dancing with our friends.

"Why him?!" I cry. "Why Hunter? Take me!" I yell. "Take me instead! I don't want to be here! Hunter! Come back! Please! I need you! Hunter!"

My throat is raw and I'm starting to lose my voice. Ray pulls me over into his lap and strokes my hair.

"Shh," he whispers, choking on tears. "Don't say that. Avril, I still need you. Hunter is going to be fine and you're not trading places. Avril!"

The irony and unfairness hits me for a second. Me, calling out for a lost brother and Ray, yelling for someone he holds in his lap.

The nurse sitting at the desk at the front of the waiting room, looks at us. I see the sympathy written across her face. It pains me that I pain her. And I respect her for being able to handle that job.

She smiles at me before picking up the phone. I look away as I wipe at my face and slide off of Ray's lap. i crawl back into my own seat. Reaching over, I grab a cup and take a sip of coffee.

"Thank you," I whisper to Ray. He nods and then sighs as I start crying again.

I set down my cup to lean against his shoulder. Tears rain down my face and everything seems to be crumbling around me.

There's a soft knock from the door leading into the waiting room. Ray looks up and gently pushing me away, stands up.

"I'll be right back," he says.

As he leaves, Zoey walks in. She was the one knocking.

"How's it going, Tiger?" She asks as she comes to sit down beside me.

She's taken her hair out of the ponytail so her black hair falls in soft waves. Once again, I notice the dark blue streak and piercings.

"Tiger?" I ask with a sniffle as I look up at her through my hair.

"Yeah," she says with a small smile. "That's what I'm calling you. Tiger. Because you're fierce and put up one hell of a fight."

I laugh bitterly and shake my head. "You're mistaken," I tell her. "Look at me. I'm not a fighter. I've given up. I'm done."