𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 & 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬

7. Depression

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest and can interfere with your daily functioning."

The above description is from mayoclinic.org. And it's accurate to a point - depression can be debilitating when you go through it - and it doesn't necessarily mean you're just stuck in your head. It doesn't even mean that you're just "sad" all the time.

Depression is not just sadness, it can effect other areas of your life and can be a persistent struggle.

I've been depressed in my life from grief more than a few times but one year, it effected me more deeply and it lasted longer (I'll elaborate more in the next chapter).

But for others? Depression can be something you fight all the time - a chronic problem that manifests itself as a mood disorder. Some of them can even be depression-specific such as bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, dysthymia, PMDD, and persistent depression disorder.

When I went through depression myself, I lost a lot of interest in my favorite things ie. movies, music, books, etc. And suddenly, the things I loved to do I no longer cared about.

Other symptoms of depression though can be trouble falling asleep, weight gain/loss, feeling restless or sluggish, drained energy, feelings of worthlessness, trouble focusing on tasks, and even self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

I experienced a lot of those firsthand and it's not easy fighting through them, sometimes you even feel like you won't be able to. Like maybe this is just your life now and there's no way out of it. I felt like that a lot at one point...

Sometimes depression can even be seasonal though. When the daylight hours are reduced during winter, you can experience feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and/or stress. I fight through this a lot during the winter months - in fact, I always say that I'm not myself until it's summer because of it. I just feel overwhelmingly sad and detached during colder months.

But there are a lot of factors that can cause depression - and not just the seasonal kind. Loneliness can also cause depression and sometimes cause you to withdraw from others. I did this a lot when I was depressed - I pushed a lot of people away, closed myself off from others. I ended up internalizing a lot of how I felt back then and it left me feeling pretty alone. But the good thing for me was that I had a really support system that helped me through it.

Depression can also be genetic though and can run in families. My grandfather also went through depression at one point.

Trauma/abuse, personality traits such as excessive worrying or negative thinking, chronic pain or illness and even drug abuse can all lead to symptoms of depression.

I actually turned to music a lot during that time and even my writing was an escape for me. There was a line in one song that went "angels please just keep on fighting 'cause inner demons just won't go away."

And it's true - depression is a demon. It's an inner demon that you have to battle daily. And it's hard - I always thought that year that being stuck inside your head is the scariest place to be. Or at least it was for me. But you can fight it! You can. It's not easy and it may be the hardest thing you have to face in your life but it is possible.

I'm sorry this chapter has been so short, guys! I actually have something in mind for the next chapter though that will be much longer, much more personal and...it'll actually be hard for me to write. I've been contemplating the idea all week and been more than a little nervous about writing it. But I hope that y'all will read it and maybe if you've been through the same thing that it'll give you hope.

Because without hope, we would be lost.

"Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing. But living with that kind of belief...that's the most powerful thing of all. That's hope."