Her.

Chapter Fifteen.

It had been a few days since the whole thing with Perri had happened, and it was safe to say I was now avoiding the studio at all costs.
I was lay on my bed staring at the photos that were scattered around the roof of my room, I placed them there for a reason, they'd be the last thing I saw at night and the first thing I saw in a morning, as the music for my the new podcast I was doing later played softly around my room, as my Mum knocked the door and opened it, smiling at me softly from the door.

"Hey Es" She whispers, as she comes into the room, closing the door behind her. I give her a half smile as she sits at the end of my bed, as I sit up looking at her. "Do you not think it's time you go back to the studio?" She whispers, as I shake my head, looking down at my lap. "Do you want to talk about what happened?" She asks, as I look up at her, her soft eyes showing the concern, her face laced with the worry any mother would have for a daughter locking herself away from the world, even if I wasn't her biological daughter, it never mattered, it never changed a thing, it didn't need to.
"He knows" I whisper, as a relief leaves me as I say the words, I hadn't told anyone that Perri knew, I was scared, scared of what was to come next. "Perri?" She whispers, almost as if she knew what was coming, what was keeping me away from the studio. I nod my head as I play with the oversized jumper sleeves, tugging at them softly, something I did when I was nervous, or anxious.

"Did he work it out?" She whispers, as I nod my head. "He found the bracelet Lindsey left me" I whisper, as the memory of my actual mum plays in my head.

I must of been six at the most, my long hair gathering around my body as the wind blew harshly, the rain coming down, making me look like I had just stepped out of the shower, I had one sock up to my knees whilst the other rested at the bottom of my leg, the top of it touching the shoes that were too small for me, showing off the fresh bruises on my leg, as my Lindsey sobbed, begging my social worker at the time not to take me, that she would make sure I was safe, that I was okay, that I would be looked after, but this was never the case, she always went back to him, she always chose him over me.
I was only six, I never understood the things I saw, the things that happened, but any six year old shouldn't be locked away from the world, they shouldn't be denied the necessities for life, the things you needed to live. You shouldn't be abused, left for dead, or left wondering what life was going to be like, if you'd even make it to the next time the ambulance would come.

I didn't remember a lot, and I was glad I never did, but Lindsey was still my mum, she was still apart of my life back then, and I often still did think about her, but she allowed things to happen that shouldn't of, and that was something I couldn't forget. Part of that was the reason why I never wanted to be known, I never wanted her to see my name in the papers or on the TV and see what I had become, saw that I was something, that I was someone who made a difference, that I was stronger than she believed, that I didn't need her around, or him around.

"What do you think you should do next?" My Mum whispers, as I look at her and shrug. The truth was I didn't think that would happen so soon, or this way. I always thought when people found out I was girl behind the microphone that it would be on my terms, the way I wanted to do it, when I was ready to do it. But now here I was with the thoughts all spinning around my head and I didn't know what to do. "I kissed Perri, or he kissed me.. either way our lips touched" I whisper, as my Mums eyes go wide, a massive smile on her face. "I always knew you liked him" she chuckles, as I roll my eyes. "I don't belong in his world, he always said that" I whisper, as the memories I had of him flood my brain, making me close my eyes and whimper.

"You're child is fucking pathetic" he shouts, as he shoved me into the wall, hitting my head and feeling my own teeth bite down on my tongue, the familiar metallic taste filling my mouth. "She's just a child" Lindsey shouts, as she tries to grab me, pulling me to whatever safety she could offer, but he never let her, not until he was finished, and she knew that deep down, she knew he wouldn't stop until I was on the ground, the only vision I would have would be black, but the noise in the background was always there, even if I couldn't see what was happening I could always hear it.

And even now, years and years later if I closed my eyes his voice would ring around my head. Telling me I needed to be silent, that no one wanted to hear me, that I didn't deserve to be heard. I guess that's why I was so shy, so quiet.

See words can cut deeper than a knife, trauma lasts a life time even if you learn how to deal with it. It doesn't matter how many steps forward you take, you'll always have the past behind you, even if you move on, it's still there.
You can break a mirror and place it back together, but it'll always be cracked, and deep down that's what I was, a broken, cracked mirror, that never could be fixed.