short stories, sketches, and rants

Exposure

!! WARNING !!

Mentions mental illnesses and suicide

This is me laying out everything that plagues my mind. The things that cut off the words in my throat, that stop me from saying the thoughts in my head. We start when I was younger. I remember every night having night terrors, waking up screaming, tear stained cheeks. Sometimes even bruised or small cuts. This is where my claustrophobia, mild fear of the dark, and some ptsd developed. Then my parents divorced and I became my siblings' protector, and my mother's therapist. I took on the stress of hearing the things my mom would say about her life and her family and my dad, and I would hide it from my siblings at the age of eight. I developed anxiety and depression, and suppressed all of the pain I experienced on a daily bases, between my home life and being bullied at school. I learned to hide behind a mask by age ten and bottle all of my emotions and fear and pain. By age twelve I was almost a part time parent with my new baby brother and watching my siblings. I went through some of the toughest days, weeks, months, and years with a fake smile. I lost all of my childhood friends, became the mom/ therapist friend for my new group of friends, and went on with life. By age 15, I had started to fight the idea of suicide. The only thing stopping me was my siblings who I fought to protect all of my life almost. It would all be for nothing if they took it on because I ended my life. My mom had gotten into an abusive relationship and as a result began emotionally abusing me and heavily using me as her therapist, despite having a councilor that she paid for. I finally had enough so I lived with my dad for the first couple of months of COVID. I became a happier person with time and lost a lot of my stress. I am back at my mom's now but I'm back into my stressful and more painful life again. I don't think I can take it but I don't want to leave my mom, I love her. It's just tearing me apart. I'm not looking for pity, I just needed an outlet and to know someone saw this.