Aimless Town

Memories

Trigger warning- Suicidal

"You could have saved her, you know."

"What was the point of hanging onto the drugs so tenaciously?"

Jack stood in his mind's courtroom. His anti-ego, the devil's advocate, countered his thoughts. In his childhood he used to be a golden warrior, in his teenage years a man in a lawyer's attire. As he grew up, Jack realized his adversary could be whatever form he wanted him to be, and left him as just a plain dark shadow being.

"I was caught up in the moment, my thoughts were scattered." Jack replied.

"You didn't even check where did she kept the antidepressants."

"How was I supposed to know-"

"Of course you were supposed to know. Its because of you she is dead." The voice said.

"I--" Jack trailed off, unable to reply.

"Its because of you she is dead. You couldn't save her, therefore you killed her."

"Its because of you she is dead. Its because of you she is dead." Countless nefarious voices chanted in his head. Jack brought his hands up to his ears, but they didn't diminish the noise. He screamed, but he couldn't hear himself. 

He opened his eyes with a start.

He was back at his home in the residential complex, lying in his bed. Jill was lying beside him, scrolling on her smartblock. Seeing him awake, she smiled.

"Hey Jack." 

"Hey." Jack grunted as he turned his head. It hurt, as if he were bruised. Although what was inside his head was hurting him even more.

"Don't move your head around, you may have a concussion." Jill said, closing her smartblock and keeping it on the side.

"What happened?" Jack asked her. He wasn't supposed to be alive right now.

"The machine messed you up, the cyborgs helped us home as a favour." Jill smiled.

"Jill, I've got something to tell you." Jack gulped. How could he say he murdered his own creator?  "Yet I've got to tell her. She'll hate me, and then I can die in oblivion without guilt. I don't deserve anyone's remorse. I don't deserve life." He thought.

"Its okay, I know." Jill replied. What?

"I never told you about this. I...never remembered it, consciously." Jack said. "My mom is dead, Jill. And I-"

"I know, the cyborgs told me." Jill wrapped her arms around him. "It wasn't your fault."

"It was. I killed my own mother. I don't deserve to live." 

"It was an accident." Jill maintained. Jack shook his head, and winced from the pain. Jill stared into his cold eyes, trying to find the person she cherished and loved underneath his grief.

"There's no escaping it Jill. I caused the wound, they were my medicines she overdosed on." Jill didn't say anything, holding onto him tighter, as if it to save him from vanishing into thin air.

"I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve life."

"Hush, don't say that. You deserve life. You deserve love." She cried. " You can't die. I won't let you, not on my watch."

"You can't imagine the pain of the guilt I feel, Jill." he said. "Please, let me go. This life is too much for me." Jack tried to get up, but his head spun and he felt dizzy. Plus, Jill still hugged him tightly and held him down.

"No." She whispered, firm in her words. Jack looked at her quizzically. 

"I know you are going through a lot of pain, Jack, and this is a hard time for you." She began. The therapist in the residential complex hadn't instructed her to say what she was going to say next, but she didn't care. If sharing her honest positive feelings with her partner wouldn't make him feel better, then nothing would.

"But you can choose to not put me through the same trauma as yours. Imagine how I would feel, if I couldn't save the one person I love the most? Despite being there for them, despite being beside them, if I'm still able to do nothing for them, what use am I in this world? What difference does it make if I'm alive or dead..." 

"Jill-" Jack stopped her, teary-eyed. His mouth opened and closed, unable to find the words. As much as the pain he felt was intolerable, he didn't want even an ounce of it to affect Jill. He would have to live for her, even if he was already dead inside. Her nightmare was his reality, and he couldn't let it become a reality for her too.

"I'll find you a new boyfriend." Jack joked. Jill playfully pinched him, causing him to yelp.

"I don't want anybody else, ever." Jill declared, kissing him on the forehead.

"I'm so sorry." Jack said. "I got so caught up in my pain, I didn't get to think about yours."

"Its okay."

"I'll live. For you. You are the only one I have in this world." Jill still blushed at his words.

"You know that means a lot to me." she said. "But you must learn to live for yourself too, Jack." The therapist had told her that he must become a strong being independently, which would happen only if he wasn't over-dependent on her. She could support him, but his journey to good mental health must be his own, he had said.

"I don't know how to, Jill. But...I'll try." 

"I promise, everything will be alright one day. Trust me." He nodded. Jill played Three Little Birds by Bob Marley on her smartblock. Somehow the song was the same, except the artist in this realm was named Bob Marvin. It was their favorite song, as the reassuring words and soothing tune always lifted their spirits.

Jack looked at Jill, who was listening to the song with her eyes closed, her cute head resting on his chest. The orange evening Sun's rays fell upon her rough black hair. He ran his hands softly through them, to avoid pulling upon it accidentally. His eyes darted around the comfortable room, the pleasing brown decor calming his mind. 

He introspected about his present life, and realized he had all he ever wanted. Though his past was tragic, he couldn't let it take over and ruin his present. Of course, he hadn't moved on, not in the slightest. But subconsciously, the process had begun.

After all these years, Jack had begun to heal.