How to Avoid Heartbreaks

34

"I left because I wasn't doing you good anymore," diretsahan niyang sabi.

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa narinig, hindi makapaniwala na sa dinami-rami ng dahilan na naisip ko kung bakit niya ako iniwan, hindi ko kailanman ito naisip.

"And here I thought it was because of something I did that made you leave," hindi ko napigilan ang sarili at nagsalita na. "Did you know that all these years, I've been really insecure? And that I've been questioning myself and blaming myself because I thought I did something wrong or I became a toxic person?"

He sighed, "It was for your own safety, London. I didn't want to leave—"

"—then you shouldn't have left!" I cut him off. "Umalis ka nang walang sabi, Orion! You didn't just break my heart! You also left me confused! I waited for you to come. I wanted to find you! Malapit na akong mabaliw sa kaiisip dahil wala akong kaide-ideya kung anong dapat kong gawin! Hindi ko alam kung saan ako dapat magsimula!"

My rants and anger turned into sobs in an instant. I still can't believe that I'm still affected by this. I guess I really suck in moving on.

Or maybe it's because you don't want to move on. A part of my mind said.

"I'm sorry... I really am... but that was the most logical thing to do," he said in a low voice. "Twice, London. Twice... you were sent to the hospital twice because of me."

"You're not making any sense... how can you just walk away so easily?"

"It wasn't easy." He shook his head and shut his eyes tight, looking as if a nightmare came rushing back to his mind. "Do you think it was easy for me to leave you? I wanted to be by your side and to always be there for you. But what can I do if being with you would also mean harming you? Do you think it's easy for me to see you on a hospital bed? Do you think it's easy for me every time an image of you in your pale, unconscious, and almost lifeless state flashes in my mind? To see the person whom I claim to love be in a difficult situation because of me?" He continued.

He brought a hand to my face and was about to wipe my tears but I looked away instinctively, making his hand stay on air.

"I'm not saying that what I did was right... but that was the only way I could think of... I wanted to stay and be with you. But then, that would be a selfish move," he continued. "I was torn between choosing to be selfish and stay with you even though it would harm you, or to be selfless and leave even though it would break my heart."

Now he's starting to make sense. If I were in his position, I would've probably done the same thing. But now that I'm the one who got left, I'm not really sure if I'd still do it.

"I'd rather have you... hate me..." he trailed off, saying the latter words in almost a whisper as if he doesn't want to say it. "...than stay with you and be the reason why you're in a hospital again."

I brought my eyes back to him and scoffed, "You left because you wanted to be selfless. But did you know that leaving without a word was selfish? You were the only one who knew the reason and I was left with confusion, Orion. And it's selfish of you to decide for me."

"But you're already hurt, London," he reasoned out. "If I stayed, something worse might've happened to you! The guilt of being the reason why Malds hurt you was too much already. There was never a night that I didn't have a nightmare of you dying because of me! What Malds did to you haunted me even in my walking hours! I was scared for you! I was scared that something even worse would happen and I wouldn't be able to do something about it."

"But did you really have to leave? To leave without an explanation, Orion?" I asked weakly. "Hindi ko kailanman naisip na ikaw ang dahilan ng mga iyon. Hindi kita sinisi. I was happy, Orion! I was fucking in love with you and I honestly didn't care about anything else! Everything felt right! What happened were supposed to be just bumps on the road! We're supposed to get through them... together..." napapikit ulit ako at lalong bumalisbis ang mga luha ko.