이십

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MIN YUJIN

He brings me to his office first and then goes to get something to calm me down. I don't find it in me to tell him I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts, so he leaves. I sit in his studio while my brain does it's thing.

Oh you were being stalked. You were or even are being followed. Things make so much sense. When you went to school really early, met Samuel and saw Hyeongjun. Oh does his mom even work at the hospital?

Please. I don't need twice my brainpower at the moment.

He saw you. In your room. You don't close the curtains a lot huh. He has sooo much on you.

I massage my temples trying to suppress the voice, which is unsurprisingly unsuccessful. Everything starts blowing up and everything gets too loud.

I close my eyes and curl up, my hands trying to block out the sound. But it's useless.

It's too loud.

At this point I'm too tired to fight back and nothing makes sense. No words are formed, just noise. Indecipherable and painful. My head starts aching more severely than usual and I feel so helpless. I grit my teeth, trying to enforce some sort of order but it doesn't work. It never does.

The agony feels endless and nothing else exists except this. This pain, this confusion. The longer it lasts, the more I feel the urge to destroy something. To scream, get up and throw around anything.

The world starts shaking and I get even more scared. "Yujin!"

My hands are taken away and my brother's voice gets clearer and clearer as he continues to talk. The noise is real. The noise outside my head.

I open my eyes and the familiar sight of Yoongi immediately takes effect. It takes a while for them–Namjoon is there too–to calm me down again.

Fifteen minutes later I'm wrapped up in a blanket with Yoongi next to me, he and Namjoon trying to lighten the mood with casual conversation.

Minutes later, I'm unable to hold it in any longer so I speak up. "I-i'm ready to talk."

The two shut up and shift their attention to me. They wait patiently as I begin my story. I start from the beginning. From when Hyeongjun spread those fake rumours, to my first experience and diagnosis of depression. And then how I got used to things and started feeling better so I stopped the pills.

Then, with much difficulty I tell them about how it restarted, my relapse. Slowly, it all begins pouring out more naturally and I don't even know what I say until I hear it actually come out of my mouth.

I mention Hyeongjun's reappearance. How since then, the symptoms started replaying and some memories would resurface. The migraines, the insomnia, and extreme mood shifts. I express the difficulty, an almost physical inability I have in talking and sharing about this. The fear I hold every time I open up even a small part of myself to someone. I tell them about the anxiety of being followed and how I started to doubt my sanity.

The only thing I leave out is the voice in my head.

"...I really thought it was just me. I thought I was going crazy...until." I bring out the USB. "At the hospital, Hyeongjun treated me to lunch and dropped this," I take a deep breath and take some time to wipe away the snot and tears off my face. "It had my name so...I-i...I took it." I stare at the small device in my hand and swallow hard. "I checked its contents and..." I hang my head as tears uncontrollably start to reform. "It's me...they're all pictures of me."

I expected shock and confusion, but not the anger. My brother starts exploding and cursing at the kid and pacing around the room. I can just feel Namjoon's rage. He says nothing but I see his clenched fists and jaw and that he's trying to control it.

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