bulletproof [riot×tank]

chapter 14 - suicidal

Tank:

"Not to complain or anything" Riot said and came out of my bathroom. "But I'm pretty sure you're the only human alive who doesn't have a mirror in his bathroom"
He smiled and turned off the lights. My eyes thanked him.
"Not to complain or anything but I'm pretty sure you're the only human alive who's brightly awake at..."
I looked at my watch and sighed dramatically because I felt terribly sorry for myself. "Five o’clock in the morning and takes all innocent people with him to the 'hell of the morning hours'." 
"The 'hell of the morning hours'?" He smiled. "Is that even a thing?"
"Of course"
I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes.
"And in case you didn't notice: five o'clock in the morning. We slept less than three hours. Do you know how much damage this could do? We could develop insomnia so quickly"
"You're a drama queen. And you exaggerate a bit"

Riot rolled his eyes and I leaned on my elbows. 
I watched him smiling (he had not bothered to put on any clothes).
He brushed his hair out of his forehead and tied it back to a ponytail.
"Don't you have any mirrors in your apartment?"
"Oh, didn't have time to do a home inspection?"
"I planned to do but I got distracted"
I grinned.
"Right, I remember."
Riot continued to look at me questioningly and waited for me to answer his question.
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.
"I just don't like mirrors very much" I admitted.
"You don't like mirrors?" Riot asked and sounded surprised.
I shook my head and sat up straight.
"You're weird" He giggled and lay down beside me again.
"Hey"
I took a pillow and I smashed it against his chest. He laughed out loud and my heart beat faster. His laugh was the most perfect thing on earth.
"If I looked like you, I'd move into a house made of mirrors. Not even kidding" Riot explained, putting a hand on my chest to push me back into bed.

"No" I shook my head.
"Why?" He smiled "Beautiful people everywhere you look. I see this as an absolute win"
He turned to the side to be able to look at me better.
"I...don’t like what looks back at me"
I saw from the angle of my eye (as good as possible in the dark) how he frowned.
"What?" He asked even though he understood me.
I bit my lips and stared at the ceiling.
"Nevermind. Doesn't matter"
"Yes it does. Don't say that, Tankie. You're beautiful" He lay a hand on my right cheek and turned my face to him.
"No... I... I don't mean the way I look. I don't care about that to be honest."
He stroked my cheek with his thumb and looked worried.
"What do you mean then?" He asked quietly.
I didn't say anything and looked away. His hand slipped off my cheek, but instead of pulling it back he just put it around my neck and started playing with my hair.
He loved playing with my hair. I didn't know why but he did.
"Explain it to me. Please." Riot whispered.

"I'm scared"
"Of what?" His soft voice kept me calm and scared me at the same time.
"T-That you won't look at me the same way you do now"
I looked him in the eyes. They were big and full of worry.
"I won't judge you.... I promise" He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.
I had never told anyone before and only thinking about it seemed wrong and made my anxiety show up.
"I don't really...like...myself" Riot didn't say anything.

"Sometimes-"
I stopped out of reflex and searched for the right words. I had the desire to relativize everything. That everything wasn't even that bad.
But it was Riot.
I could tell him, right?
"Or actually.... Usually... I feel like I'm standing behind everyone else. I'm just watching people living their lifes through a...window and...n-nothing comes thru. Nothing reaches me. Like someone wouldn't want me to be happy" I whispered and didn't dare to look Riot in the eyes.
"I-I don't know if that makes any sense"
I frowned and smiled slightly because I didn't know how to help me otherwise.
Once I started talking I couldn't stop.
"I'm stuck. Trapped in a nightmare and the only thing staying with me is the overwhelming feeling of panic. All the time.
Everything... Everyone else keeps running away from m-me..."
My voice broke.
"It has been like that for way too long."
I felt a tear running down my cheek but I didn't want to let go of Riot's hand to wipe it off.