Who Was I Trying to be? • Brendon Urie

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Alyssa's POV

I open the door to my house."You're back early,new record."

My aunt said and I gave her a faint smile.I went upstairs.
I liked what happened this morning,but I hate to remember what happened last night.Fuck,I am making a fool out of myself.

Why would Brendon accept me because I'm just the only one who is crazy for him.I am desperate and insane.I am so disgusting.

Honestly,I was taken aback last night,it hurts.It fucking hurts.I was not in my body this morning when I woke up but I eventually give in to his kisses.

A tear fell from my eye as I realized,
We can't be together.

I closed my door and I strip off my dirty clothes and I hop in the shower.

I let the water cascade down my body as I began to picture out our bodies pressed together.

I couldn't think like that again,because the words that he said last night created a spot in my brain to stay in.

I cry inside the bathroom.I let my tears fell and I hold myself as I sink down.We can't...

Well,what's the point of being..I don't know what we have.
I don't even know what he thinks of me.

I don't even know what to call this.I can't believe those two words hurt so much.I can't believe he pushed me away.

I am being an idiot.I was just the only one who has feelings for him.I made it clear to myself that what I felt is true,that I love him.

But that all changed when he said those two words.I don't know if I could see him again,

I don't know if I can still smile after all this.Brendon is right anyway,we can't.

I have no right to be angry at him for pushing me away.I'm just his student.

Who was I trying to be?

-

I walked through the hallways and I went inside my classroom,setting my things under my desk.

I pull out a notebook to read and I studied for a while,expecting to hear that there will be a test later.

We're down to three classes and I am daydreaming about what happened last night.

I don't know why the fuck it keeps coming back to me.I shrug ut off and I saw Brendon coming in the classroom.Fuck.

I adverted my eyes to somewhere else and pick a ballpen from my pencil case."I'm going to have a new lesson today class,we're gonna go a little faster."
Our eyes met and that's it.

The stare only lasted for seconds because I broke it.Thankfully,no one noticed it.I hear Brendon sigh deeply,"Alright,let's begin."

We took out our notes to scribble what he's saying while he writes on the board at the same time.

It's so hard not to stare at him,well he's my teacher after all.

He sometimes stole a few glances at me,and I just move my eyes to look at something else.

He shouldn't stare at me while in class.Shit,shit.

This goes on until the bell rang for recess.Marsha is gone already and so are the other students.

I stuff all of my things inside my bag and try to go past Brendon.

I silently walked towards the door and
I see him walk in front of me.I refuse to look at his eyes and I look down,wanting to leave so badly.

"Are you avoiding me earlier?"I feel Brendon's hand under my chin and he tilted my head up to meet his eyes.

"No,I was just thinking."I said flatly and removed his hand from my face.His face grew upset."I'm sorry about what I said..I-"

I shoot up."Don't. I don't want to talk about it."I push myself to walk past him,my eyes watery.And I left the classroom without another word.

Brendon's POV

She left me there standing.I took off my glasses in frustration and groaned.Fuck,now she hates me.

I should'nt have said that in the first place,she can't get those two words out of her mind.What have I done.

I messed it all up.I'll give her space,that'll fix that.So,she can think and be free for a while.Maybe,its better for me too.

I ran my hand through my hair and I pick up my things from the desk,exiting the classroom.