MARSHMALLOWING OUR WAYS

CHAPTER 16: WESLEY & CASSIE

She seems surprised by my question."Oh. Well, I know for a fact that you are Wesley Evans?"
I narrow my eyes at her and she just shrugs. I change my question."Do you know what kind of person I am?"
"Huh?"
"Cassie. I know you know something about me. What is it?"
"I know nothing really. Just that you are the quarterback, typical jock, and a playboy."
"You know nothing except for that?"
"Also, you are popular?"
"Okay. So. Since we are convincing you to be your own self it's only fair for you to know about my personality too."
"Fair.", She repeats.
"Let's start with hobbies. I love sports. You know that right? But there's also this one thing I like to do. It keeps me up at night and it makes me different. I'm almost ashamed of it and no one knows or can know about it. But I'm telling you, so, please, just please, for once, listen to someone and know where you are. Now. Can you guess what this hobby is?"
"Uh... Masturbating?"
What is wrong with this girl? "What? No! I...I, god you know how to kill the mood!"
I take a deep breath and start again.
"I'll just pretend you didn't say that and continue. I like to learn and study." Her eyes go wide,like really wide.
"I love calculations and I like to learn about human bodies. I have interest in history and I enjoy languages. This hobby, this side of mine makes me a nerd and a geek."
"It goes totally against the image I have. I'm known to be the playboy but what can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic. Ive read more than a hundred romantic and cheesy books. Jocks are known to be dumb, but I know for a fact I'm not. I'm smart and that's true. But no one can know about my side because it can ruin me. At least I think so. But you, Cassie? Your true self isn't this dull one. You are bright and light. Even in this dull appearance, you have an influential aura. This betrayal thing is stupid. Mia would have hated herself for the way you turned out, Cass. Being yourself is not a betrayal to her. No. It's not. But blaming yourself for what happened, maybe is. Mia died but do you have any good memories with her except for the last one. The one in which her eyes were filled with hurt and anger. If you don't, then that's betrayal. That's betrayal of your friendship. That's like saying that your start of  friendship wasn't good enough for your memories but the end  can't be more better. You're getting me?"
She just looks at me with tears in her eyes.
I told her. I told her about my other side. My weird side. My nerdy side. And she didn't run away from me. Maybe people won't. I used to know all the answers and still I didn't used to answer the teachers in the fear that someone may know me too well. But maybe. Just maybe. They won't care. I'll still be me. Maybe even a better me. Maybe I can help people. Teach or something, you know?
Maybe everything will be fine.
"Wesley? Thank you. Thanks a lot. You don't know what you just did. Thank you..."
"Since we are coming clean, let me tell you...I don't have girlfriends because they become close to you and I was afraid they would leave me alone and deserted forever once they know my true self. But... You don't seem affected by it. Maybe no one will . Thanks to you too. Thank you Cassie."
We just look at each other and smile. Knowing much too well of the bond of friendship strengthening between us. It felt good, you know? To be able to confide in somebody. I mean Liza knows that I study well but she doesn't know that I love to study and read and learn.
We hug awkwardly and then go our own ways.

CASSIE

Maybe Wesley is right. Maybe I don't have to betray her to move on. Maybe I can move on. I don't have to forget her to move on. Right?
I go home, lock myself in my room and sit on my bed with my phone in my hand.
I take a deep breath and open the contact I've been ignoring for almost half a year. The  text that had made me guilty enough to think about killing myself. The text no one knows about. The text from Matt. The text from the week after Mia's accident.
Hey babe. Wanna hangout later? Now that Mia's not here, we could be official or something?You get me right?;)-M
I read it again for the millionth time and cuss myself for allowing Mia to have a boyfriend like this. For having a crush on him myself. For giving him the power to control me.
I text him.
Hey Matt? You free?-C
He replies a few second later.
Anytime for you, baby doll!-M
Good. Then grab your ugly fat ass and go to hell! How dare you fucking asshole? Are you this short of self-esteem? Do you not see that she died because of us? Precisely because of you? I was innocent but I lived with guilt all this time and look at you! Just never ever contact me again.
I hit send and lie down on my bed full of relief.
I did something you would have liked me to do, Mia. And I'll do a lot of those things now.