Metallic Hearts

Epilogue: Uno

THERE WERE A lot of times that I needed to hide myself from the presence of girls, especially during those times when I was still in a constant pursuit of finding this woman named Melanie Boheme V. De Castro.

Mother left me a message via email, dad told. Sa message niya, gusto niyang hanapin ko raw yung babaeng nakilala niya noong alam niyang mabait. Gusto niyang itong babaeng ‘to ang magiging asawa ko.

Inisip ko talaga noon na ako ang naging dahilan kung bakit namatay si mama. I was there, just a 10-year old kid, who saw how his dad and mom got caught in a car accident with him sitting on the backseat. And guess what, history repeated, but for our case with my wife, it was the other way around.

Nagdadalang-tao rin si mama n’on. She was pregnant with Freya, my younger sister. I was there, and mom and dad were fighting about my performance in school—that I suck at Math and every other subject in grade school.

Mom told dad that he shouldn’t pressure me. Dad told mom that I should grow up fast, para hindi magiging mahirap para sa akin ang pag-cope up with problems in life. Mom, in other words, was arguing for my sanity. Dad, on the other hand, was fighting for my own independence.

And so they kept on arguing, and minutes after while dad was driving, the world suddenly stopped for a while. 

I knew then that there was a chance to be able to save them both, mom and my younger sister. But mom had problems with her heart—so she wouldn’t be able to live longer. As a result, dad… he chose Freya to live on, because he also knew that it would be what mom would want to happen.

Simula n’ong araw na ‘yon. Sinisi ko na ang lahat sa sarili ko. Naging seryoso na ako sa klase. I was too focused on schooling, all for the sake of thinking it would be a sin not to do well in school for mom.

Kaya simula n’on, para mapanatag ang loob ko, ginagawa ko na lahat ng itinuro niya sa akin. All of the values she taught me, from how I should approach people who need my help to how I should treat them the right way.

Ginawa ko ang lahat para kay mama. Paiba-iba pa ang tawag ko sa kaniya. Mama, mom, mother, pareho lang din daw naman ang kahulugan n’on—at ‘yon ay siya.

It was because of her I became a doctor. It was because of her that I’d treat every kid like my son or daughter. Alam ko kasi ang pakiramdam nang mawalan ng magulang sa murang edad. Alam na alam ko.

That was why I was able to picture myself inside Steven’s shoes.

Natawa na lang ako sa mga naiisip, habang naiiyak. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

Tatlong taon na rin, Melly.

Saan ka na ba? Ayos ka lang ba? Ba’t ayaw mong magpakita, ha? Sinisisi ko na naman ang sarili ko nang dahil sa nangyari. Sinisisi ko ang sarili ko kung bakit naaksidente tayo noon. Kung hindi lang sana ako nagpadala masyado sa emosyon ko… hindi ka na sana umalis.

Napatingin ako sa kalangitan, habang nasa labas ako ng apartment namin noon. Alala ko pa rito ang mga panahon kung paano siya ngingiti sa tuwing masaya siya o napapasaya ko siya. Alala ko pa yung mga panahong nagsusungit siya sa akin. Alala ko pa yung panahong nalasing ako, tapos inalagaan niya ako, kahit nagpanggap lang ako noon kinaumagahan  na wala akong natatandaan.

Tandang-tanda ko pa. Kung paano ko siya niyakap, at kung paano niya ako hinayaang yakapin siga.

Bahagya na lamang akong natawa’t isang luha ang kumawala sa aking mata, habang nakataas ang sariling tingin.

Nagkukumpulan na ang mga ulap sa kalangitan. Ilang minuto na lang ay babagsak na rin ang ulan. “Alam mo bang may isang taong gusto kong ipakilala sa’yo sa pagbalik mo? Bumalik ka na. M-Magpakita ka naman. M-Miss na kita, bibi.”