Murdering One Direction

News Gets Around

We paid for our drinks and began pacing through the streets, passing stores with mannequins posing lifeless in the windows. I think Louis was saying something, but honestly I learned to just tune him out. Half the time he's just talking about the episode of The Bachelor  that was on most recently. I'm more of a Hell's Kitchen guy; I don't bother myself with the brain-rotting, melodramatic mess that is The Bachelor. Nah, son. I'd rather just watch people make food and get yelled at by Gordon Ramsay. Way more entertaining. Oh crap Louis might actually be saying something important.

"So can you just tell me who we're gonna kill next?"

"Alright, I guess I'll-"

I would have said more, but we passed by a conveniently-placed TV store. My eyes were drawn to the flashing screen as the news woman behind the glass was talking, "In recent news, One Direction band member Liam Payne was found dead in his bathtub, inside his 'totally normal and straight, heterosexual living quarters' with Louis Tomlinson's fingerprints all over his body. The police, however, have refused to investigate further, and his death has been ruled an unfortunate accident. In more important news, a local Walmart was robbed of two very important, very delicious Snickers candy bars today. It was a devastating loss for us all. There are currently no suspects, but the police promise that whomever was responsible for this heinous crime will be punished accordingly. It's a shocking loss for us all, and I can't believe we live in a world where crime like this is not only prevalent, but seemingly condoned. We simply cannot stand for it! We would like to have a moment of silence for the Snickers bars lost in this deplorable incident."

Louis placed a hand over his heart, a fat tear swelled in his eye, "They were so innocent..." He wallowed in his despair for another minute while the moment of silence continued. What a tragedy, truly taken before their time... God's speed... Anyway, Louis turned back to me, "Did you pay the police to not look into the case?"

"Better," I remarked, "I hired 'policemen' strippers to stop the real police from investigating."

"Where are the strippers now?" He asked, lingering on the premise of policemen strippers as though he were enjoying it just a little too much.

"Oh they're probably just distracting the real police with their Sexy Steve routine... uh, not that I would know."

"So who do we kill now?"

Oh right, the question we just wasted a majority of the chapter not answering. "We take out Harry Styles." Before Louis could ask any stupid questions, I mustered up my best Louis impersonation and continued, "'Oh no, why would you ever take out that sexy man and his luscious hair?' Well, when we kill him, his death will be all over the news, which will give us enough time to kill Niall and Zayn undetected. After that, people won't give a crap."

"Sounds good, how long did that take you to think up?" Louis sipped on his drink that came out of nowhere.

"I did it just now." I said nonchalantly, "Now the best way to kill someone without suspicion is to drive them to kill themselves. We need to take out the thing most important to him. Without it, he'll simply lose the will to go on any longer, and he'll finish our job for us."

"So... We'll take away girls?"

"No."

"Money?"

"No."

"Fame?"

"No."

"His family?"

"Dude, uncool."

"Friends?'

"What friends?"

Louis was befuddled. "Well, I'm out of ideas." He paused, but a moment of clarity hit him as suddenly as the Chloroform did to Liam. "Wait... You don't mean..."

"Oh, I mean."

"You wouldn't." His mouth was drooping open.

"Oh I would." I grinned.

"No, say it ain't so..."

Louis paused to create suspense for the next chapter.