Murdering One Direction

Louis Talks About his Feelings

Well this was interesting; we had killed Jacob Sartorius before we had finished killing off One Direction. At this rate, we could take out every cringy wannabe singer and boy band in the world. Maybe the world could finally be a righteous place. However, before I start thinking that big, I have to get back on track to killing Zane, if that is even how you spell his name. It's just too bad we killed Jacob too soon. Those cookies were freakin delicious. While in my stage of pondering, Louis leaned over and asked me a question. The coffee shop was pretty loud so his low whisper was practically inaudible. That moron. Wait, when did we come to the coffee shop? 

"Hey, who are we killing next?"

I glowered at him, "Dude, there's only five people in One Direction. We've already killed three of them and then there's you helping me kill them. There is only one other person left we could possibly kill."

With a hint of attitude he retorted, "No, there's also Henry McFyles. He is a secret member of the band and nobody knows about him. He's sings Harry's part so nobody knows how bad of a singer Harry is."

"What, why are you just telling me this now?"

"I didn't know I could trust you. Now that you're my bff, we can say anything to each other."

I paused, unsure of what vial and hideously disgusting language I should use to smite him down. I was in such a state of disgust and shock that all I could muster was, "Louis you do realize I pretty much hate every aspect about who you are and what you represent. Your very existence is an insult to the notion of whatever god you choose to believe in, for you are the very epitome of a flawed, unworthy creature. I am only taking advantage of you for the money that I am going to get. We are not friends." I spat venom with my emphasis on the word "friends".

Louis was on the verge of tears, "I thought you were my friend, you whore."

"Bro, chill. We don't gotta start name calling here.."

Louis' lip trembled as he spoke. "Sorry, I just thought that what we had... I thought it was special. Just two dudes having a good time killing stupid people who are only loved by teenage girls and everyone else wants dead. Together we fought for justice, we stood for what was right. We were the embodiment what true change is supposed to be. Raw. Substantive. Absolute. But most of all, we did it with friendship. God bless America." He gazed off into the distance as the impact of his words were left to resonate with the audience.

No words could describe the sensations I experienced and the emotion that was conveyed so effortlessly through his words. It was as if Jesus himself had situated them into his mouth at that very moment. These were the words that evoked angels to weep; words that caused gods to bow in reverence to man; words that moved nations to action... It made me want to puke. It was even gayer than what he had just said before. Especially since we were in England.

"You know what we've spent too much of this chapter talking about your feelings, Louis. We need to continue on. The plan is to find Henry and take him out."

"To dinner?"

"No, you idiot, to hell so he can deteriorate for his sins which he has committed."

"Darn."

"So, where does Henry McFyles live?"

Louis smirked proudly. "I'll give it to you in a riddle. Eh-hem: where he lives is not on a street. Close by car, but far by feet. Not here in the city but away on the plains. He farms for a living, corn is his main. Where he lives he enjoys long romantic walks... uh, not that I would know."

I'd had enough of Louis' antics. "Boy, you'd better start making some sense or else you'll be catching these hands."

"Fine. He lives next door to the Most Fricken Sweet Coffee Shop Around."

"Dude, that riddle made so little sense, it gave me cancer."

"Let's just get to his house."

"Right."