Murdering One Direction

Ryan Reynolds

"Alright, Louis. Since you're the reason we forgot our plan, let's hear what you came up with." Seriously, he's the worst secretary. I still can't believe I lost to him in the election.

"This is the plan: Ryan Reynolds uses his sexy face to do a commercial shoot to tell everybody what's going on. We have to get the news out that Obama has been kidnapped. From there he'll tell the government to give us two billion dollars in exchange for Obama's freedom."

"Yeah right like Obama's even worth that much. We already agreed that we'd be lucky to walk away with twelve bucks." I laughed.

"Preach it!" Obama agreed, giving me a high five.

Louis ignored my sick burn on Obama and continued, "Once we've received the money and national attention, this kidnapping will erase the news of the One Direction murder from everybody's memory. Once all is said and done, Obama can pardon us of our crimes for kidnapping him. Nobody will ever know he was working with us, and the investigations into the One Direction murders will cease."

"Wait... so we aren't going to fake his death after all? Also, why did we agree on Ryan Reynolds? " I asked because honestly, if I were going to convince the people of America to give me money in exchange for the President, I would be using Ryan Gosling. Like come on, let's be real here.

Louis glanced over his shoulder, "Because he's already agreed to work with us."

In that moment, Ryan Reynolds popped up from behind a bush that I swear was not there a second ago. "Yo guys, I finished my part of the mission. Now for the money," he turned to me and I was ready to pull out my shotgun to avoid giving this slightly-less-attractive-than-Ryan-Gosling dude even a single cent of my sweet moola, "Here's the 20 bucks I owe you for agreeing to do this commercial shoot." I pocketed the crisp bill. I guess everybody just likes to give away money for stupid reasons nowadays.

My feelings of extreme greed turned to pure confusion. "Louis, how is Ryan Reynolds already in on this if you just came up with this plan and also just learned the full story behind the murders and the kidnapping?"

He spoke casually, "Oh, this is the plan we came up with in the meeting. I found the notes from the meeting in my underwear... Uh, not that I would know."

Confused at how that last sentence was supposed fit in with everything else he said, I continued, "Thank Jesus." I turned to the second best-looking person in the room, "Ryan, as much as I love getting money for no apparent reason, I have to be sure it's legit. Why exactly are you paying me to do a favor that we asked you to do?"

Ryan Reynolds took a sip of his drink that he got out of nowhere before responding, "Louis told me that this plan would make me more famous than Ryan Gosling. I've been living in his shadows for years ever since the incident of 2009-." He gazed up at the sky as if the memory of that incident was crushing him with the weight of a thousand suns. 

I cut him off before we got sucked into any more flashbacks, "Okay, okay. We don't need to hear your life story. Jeez. So, if Ryan Reynolds has done his part and the public knows about the ransom, what do we do now?"

Louis chimed in, "I guess we just wait until we get our money and then return Obama to the White House."

"No need," Obama shoved his phone into his pocket, "The money has already been transferred into my lil' hitman's account. A whole fifty bucks! That's 38 more than we expected! As for Louis and Ryan, you guys get these cool 'I Kidnapped the President' stickers.'"

Louis' joy was overflowing, "OMG!!! This is way better than stupid money."

I clutched my chest. At first, my brain would not even allow this sentence to process, and I heard nothing but white noise. Then... I- I actually heard his words. No, I FELT them. There was a stinging sensation in my abdomen as if my organs were all injecting themselves with needles. Could it be? Was my heart physically changing and breaking from inside me because of what Louis had spoken? Have I... changed? Maybe money isn't the most important thing, because I can't shake this... This feeling...it...it's... Nope, it was just indigestion. I popped a couple of antacids and was all good.

"Do you guys hear that?" It was Louis, "It sounds like sirens."

A faint whining sound began to fill the air. That was weird, we were out in the middle of nowhere. There shouldn't be any police, unless? Oh no... The sirens screeching increased more and more until it was crashing horridly through my ears like Louis' shower singing. We don't shower together just to be clear. The last things I remember were blasts of gun shots, incoherent screaming, Louis crying out in pain, and witnessing Ryan Reynold's dead corpse plummet to the floor.

Was this the end?