Murdering One Direction

Jail Break!!

  I woke up in a jail cell; though, truthfully, it took me a few moments of studying my surroundings to finally realize that I was in prison. This "cell" reminded me of that private jet Louis and I had taken from England to DC. My body was sprawled across a king-sized bed with a full-sized buffet lying at its foot. An 80-inch 4k plasma screen television was mounted on the wall across from a bubbly and inviting jacuzzi. Next to that, a shiny solid-gold toilet with diamond-studded...well...everything. I was even more amazed as I realized that this was only the bathroom. (the bed in the actual bedroom was far more luxurious). The cell had three other rooms that were more extravagant than I can even begin to describe. 

Just when I thought jail couldn't get any better, I noticed Louis in the cell across from mine with nothing but a cold metal chair and the most putrid-looking, crap-filled toilet I've ever beheld in my existence.

A butler with an English accent came to my aid, "Hello sir, is there any way that I may be of assistance?"

I gave him a look of sympathy and said, "Yes there is. Could you get that poor, possibly gay man over there a cookie?" I pointed to Louis, but then I whispered something else to the butler so that Louis couldn't hear. The butler approached Louis with a girthy and decadent chocolate chip cookie in his hand. Just as Louis gazed up endearingly, yearning to accept this kind gesture like an orphan child receiving an orange for Christmas, the butler did as I said and hurled the cookie into the rancid toilet making Louis cry like an orphaned child whose Christmas orange had been hurled into a rancid, troublesome turd toilet.

Although it was hilarious to see his downcast face spew tears of sorrow, I felt a twinge of guilt considering all the crap (pun intended) that Louis already deals with. In a moment of charity, I decided to toss Louis a cookie. Obviously, my throw was perfect. Just the gentleness needed to preserve the integrity of the cookie's structure, but still firm enough that it would make its way right into Louis' outstretched hands.

Tragically, it slipped through his fumbling fingers and into the rancid toilet like an orphan's Christmas orange. Louis' sobs of grief grew as both of his cookies sank to the bottom of the toilet. I felt no pity, as he had brought this grief upon himself. The Butler gingerly approached the toilet, making sure to avoid Louis as if he were a sickly leper, and flushed down the cookies. After the cookies had made a couple of rounds around the toilet bowl, they inevitably vanished into the murky depth of the sewers below like an orphan's two Christmas oranges getting flushed down a toilet.

Just as I was feeling pretty good about myself I remembered again that I was in a jail cell, so I prodded the butler for information, "Hey butler dude. Uh, why exactly am I here?"

The butler faced away from the toilet. "Well, you are just so handsome that we figured it would be a crime to put you in a normal cell like your poor, possibly gay friend there." He pointed to Louis who was still sobbing over the toilet bowl.

"Please don't use the F-word around me, it's disgusting. And I appreciate the compliment, but I mean why am I in jail? You know- generally." I was disturbed that even the police recognized my incredible beauty, so much so that it affected the justice system. Well, I guess that means I can get out of a speeding ticket whenever I want. That's pretty nice.

"Oh, well I thought that should have been pretty obvious. You guys are in pretty big trouble for kidnapping the President, so you are set to serve a pretty lengthy prison sentence. Yup, a whole 10 days in the ol' penitentiary. You were already tried and found guilty of kidnapping Obama."

Jeez. 10 days is pretty steep considering the President we kidnapped was Obama. Also, how did I miss my own trial? And how long was I knocked out if they were able to hold a trial and find us guilty in that amount of time? The butler, bored, left to polish the Lamborghini parked in the next room.