Murdering One Direction

Niall Hurting

Louis' eyes pierced into the depths of my soul. "Bro, my new shirt. It's ruined. Is that not climatic enough for you?" The way he emphasized the word climatic would lead you to believe I had just insulted his entire heritage. I guess he just couldn't handle the loss of his shirt. I'd reckon it was a shirt that was probably worth about five bucks. Max. "Pokémon Gotta Catch 'em all" was printed across the top with the depiction of a crazed Pikachu dancing underneath. It was obviously made for a five-year-old. A very fat five-year-old.

"Dude, it's just a shirt. With the money from your solo career, we can buy you like TWO of those shirts." I insisted, holding back my insults. "That's one more than one."

"For reals?" He asked.

"For reals," I answered. "Now let's go kill Niall."

"Wait," he paused, "we're killing Niall next?"

"Yup. This will be the easiest kill of them all. I've got the supplies ready." I stopped and listened to a faint siren in the distance. Crap! It was the cops. "Why are we still in Harry's house!?" I was frantic. I couldn't go to jail again... I mean, um, for the first time...

Louis confidently spoke up. "I know a way out. It's in the back... not that I would know." That statement felt like a self-contradiction. Wait, how often had Louis been to Harry's house to know his way around that well? I guess that's beside the point. Louis took off towards a room in the back of the house. The room itself had shelves of books all across the walls. I was suspicious of the room the second that we walked in because I was quite sure that Harry Styles had never actually read a book in his life. Louis made sure I was in eyeshot and without warning sprinted toward one of the bookshelves. Just as his body should have hit the shelf and fallen limp to the floor for attempting such a ridiculous stunt, he disappeared completely. A look of pure amazement exploded onto my face as my mind began to piece together what just happened. I hesitated for a moment and then decided to give it a try myself. I sprinted toward the bookshelf, suddenly second-guessing my idea. Too late now. I lowered my shoulder and felt as though I were leaping through reality itself.

An odd sensation flooded my body. I hit the hard, cement ground and slowly stood on my feet. The darkened cave around me was disorienting and I spent a couple seconds just to get my bearings. I surveyed my surroundings and instantly regretted my decision to jump after Louis. "Great," I thought, "a sex dungeon. I'd rather have just been arrested." I searched for Louis, but my efforts were in vain.  I heard a rustling a few feet away. I illuminated the scene in front of me with the flashlight on my phone. I saw the outline of a person slowly creeping up toward me. Wait... "Niall?" This wasn't right.

"Who are you?" He gave me a blank stare and then remembered, "Oh you're one of Louis' 'friends'." He put a weird emphasis on the last word and gave me a wink. I think I need to remind Louis that our relationship is strictly professional, if even that. I'm literally only using him for the money.

"What are you doing in this dungeon thing?" I asked.

"Oh I'm just here for the payphone." It's the 21st century, who's still using a payphone? He then asked me, "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Louis. We're running from the cops and he told me this is a short cut."

"Ahhh, of course. We've all been there, man. Louis is over by the se-I mean torture chamber over there."

"Cool beans. Thanks." I remarked. Oh crap, what am I doing? This the perfect opportunity.

"Hey, Niall. I bet you can't chug this whole gallon of cinnamon I brought in my back pocket." I pulled out an empty milk gallon and a container filled with the brown spice. I dumped the powdery substance into the jug and waved it in his face tauntingly.

"Pshhh yeah I can, I'm young. I can do anything I want without any consequences." 

With that, he yanked the pitcher of cinnamon from my grasp and engaged chugging mode. I stood in awe as the contents of the jug quickly diminished, until he was left with nothing but an empty container. He smiled in triumph for a brief moment before he began to cough. Showers of cinnamon erupted from his mouth, constricting his airway. I watched, almost feeling sympathetic for the writhing man. 

Gasping for breath, he gazed into my soul. 

I recognized those eyes. They were the eyes of somebody that realized they had been betrayed. Eyes that suddenly understood the inevitability of mortality. Eyes that, like I had experienced last chapter, contemplated all the things he would have changed if he could just go back. In that moment, it was as if I was responsible for all the things he would never experience, the 50 plus years of life he had left to live that would never be realized. The weight of that burden fell squarely on my shoulder, and I would have to live the rest of my life knowing that I was the one that cut it short. I was the reason he would never get to live out the golden years of his life. I was the reason his parents would stare dead-eyed as they lowered their own child into the callous earth. I was the reason... Eh, you get the point. Honestly, I stopped feeling any of this a long time ago. I just added this for dramatic effect. 

 Niall fell to the cold ground. I tapped his body with my foot. Nothing.

"Too easy." I chuckled.

I began my search for Louis by the torture chamber. It didn't take long until I saw him looking through an assortment of whips and chains. Gross.

"Louis!" I yelled, quickening my pace.

"X!" He yelled back, "I found free balloons! Also I got stuck in these handcuffs and I don't know where the keys are."

"Louis don't touch those! Let's just get out of here."

"OK. Let's use our teleportation powers."

"Um wha–" 

Before I could question what in the name of poop he was talking about, Louis hollered, "Teleportation, activate!" We were pulled through a spiraling vortex of time and space. The floor dropped beneath my feet; I was in a free fall. The frenzy ended as we found ourselves in a familiar place. My dry mouth drooped to the floor; we were back at Louis' house.

"We can teleport?! Why didn't we just teleport out of Harry's house to start?" I was ready to throttle Louis' neck.

"What kind of story would that be? No adventure, no drama, no action." My desire to throttle his neck was greatly diminished. He was right. That would be a terrible story – well, worse than it is already. Also his handcuffs had somehow disappeared. Maybe there was more to Louis than I knew about him. That was very likely considering I have made an effort to know as little about him as possible. 

"So... How are we going to end this chapter?" I asked to nobody in particularly. At that very moment, a famous person strode into the room from the doorway.

"Hey Lou! Sorry about the odd and strangely sexual death of Liam and Harry. I brought you cookies–" Instinctively, I whipped out the gun I carry and shot him right in his stupid face. My ninja reflexes got the better of me before I'd even realized who I shot. The innocent double chocolate chip cookies were splattered across the cold corpse of Jacob Sartorius.

"Dude," Louis was shocked, "You just shot Jacob Sartorius. We were buds..." Louis stared down at his dead friend. His eyes flickered to the treats on the floor, he picked up a semi-clean cookie and munched, nonchalantly. I mean honestly of all the people he could befriend, he chose Jacob Sartorius?

"Wow, try not to look so discouraged." I picked up a cookie not covered in blood and took a bite, "Crap, these are amazing. I wish we could've got the recipe first..."