Louis was shocked when I announced that we were going to be kidnapping the President. But of course, he had to start off with a stupid question.
"Which president are we kidnapping?" He asked ignorantly.
"Dude, are you kidding me? We're kidnapping Obama."
That reply only seemed to confuse him more. "But isn't Biden the President now?"
"Yeah, but this story was written like four years ago and I don't have the patience to go back and edit it all."
"But isn't that exactly what you're doing right now."
Somehow I managed to refrain from strangling him. "All right Mr. Smarty pants, do you want to sit down and write this story?
That amount of sass seemed to shut him up. "Sorry..." After he took a few seconds to repent of his stupidness, he started asking more dumb questions. "So then do we have to time travel or something to get there?"
"What? No, why would you even... you know what, I don't know man, just shut up for now."
"Sorry."
With the stupid questions out of the way, we could finally move on to the plan... Which we didn't have.
Defeated, I begrudgingly sought advice from an unlikely source. "Louis, we need a plan." I implored, perturbed by the fact I didn't have one yet.
"Didn't you just say you had a plan figured out in the last chapter? That's alright, I've got one." He said with a twinkle in his eye. I was quite worried about what that meant.
"So, you mean to tell me you don't even know that Beyoncé is the name of a person and not a French-themed kayaking club for underprivileged boy band singers , and yet you have the audacity to think that you have a plan to infiltrate the freaking White House?"
"Wait, Beyoncé isn't a French club?! Man, I've gotta tell my friends I was kidding about wanting to get inside of Beyoncé... Anyway, all we have to do is get into the White House undetected." He spoke as if that last sentence was the answer to all our problems, and then gave me a wink. Louis never was very bright.
"Louis, do you realize what the White House is? You can't just 'get into' the White House the same way you can get into a French-themed kayaking club for underprivileged boy band singers; they have like the highest security in the world. There are snipers on the roof in case people walk on the front freakin lawn. You know, for people like us that are crazy enough to try to kidnap the most influential political figure in the world."
Louis scoffed at my skepticism like an evil villain in a low-budget anime. "Yeah, sure, for most people that would be a problem. But we aren't most people. Here." Louis handed me a surprisingly realistic copy of the Declaration of Independence. I turned it over and saw a map that covered the whole back side. Louis continued, "Here's a blueprint for the White House. I have marked every location not covered by security cameras, as well as all the areas free from the vision of the security guards. The red spots are the areas that we are most likely to be sniped at and the blue represents the safe zones..."
I cut him off before he could continue, "So, uh, I got a couple questions for ya. Where the fricking frack did you get that blueprint? Also, why is it on the back of a copy of the Declaration of Independence? And dude, the whole thing's just a giant red zone."
He gave me a blank look and continued on, "First off, that's not a 'copy' of the Declaration of Independence, that is the Declaration of Independence. I happen to be good friends with Nicholas Cage. As for the giant red zone: if you look closely, you can see there is one route we can take that leads straight to a window of the president's bedroom. Since our plan will take place on Valentine's Day, Michelle Obama is going to be out of town with her secret lover, leaving Barack by himself."
"Aw man, she's cheating on him? Dang it, I've shipped Marak so hard since the beginning..." I paused for a moment of silence to all the Marak fan fiction that was now all written in vain. "Okay, we have a window, but what about security? Is there no security in his room?" I questioned, baffled by the fact Louis was able to put his two brain cells together to think up this elaborate of a plan.
"Nope. They get the day off for Valentine's day."
Wow, Obama's smart. Well, I guess next up was putting step one of our amazing plan into action: getting plane tickets to Washington D.C.
YOU ARE READING
Murdering One Direction
HumorWhat if you had a chance to cleanse the world, would you? Presented with the opportunity to rid the world of One Direction and hopefully turn a profit, I team up with Louis Thomlinson to exterminate the world's most famous band, one member at a time...
