Murdering One Direction

Liam in Pain

Louis's eyes tripled in size... Literally, it was actually kinda creepy, "We're just going to murder One Direction? Do you realize how impossible it is to just murder the biggest boy band in the Universe?"

Man, this dude just doesn't get it. "First off, don't give yourself so much credit. Secondly, When you're me, nothing is impossible. In fact," I knew what I was about to say was going to blow his mind, "The word impossible actually spells out 'I'm possible.'" I was 100% correct. Louis could only manage shocked grunts as he fumbled for the words to express his amazement. Once he somewhat composed himself, I continued. "And not only will we kill them, but we'll also make it look like they killed themselves"

He shot me a sickened glare and replied, "Bro, that's sick." He paused for a moment. "I luv it."

"Omg, you spelled 'love' wrong."

"Dude, how the crap can you even tell?"

"Let's just say I know more about your life than you realize," I said nonchalantly. Best he didn't realize the infinite power I wield in controlling every aspect of his life as I desire by the simple pressing of a few keys. He probably wouldn't care for that.

Once again ignoring Louis' inherent idiocy, I returned my attention back to how I was gonna get away with murder. "The question is, who do we kill first?" I mumbled aloud. As I pondered this dilemma for a moment, Louis spoke up.

"Liam! Liam must die first. He's the least important so nobody will care that he's gone. Also, he's obviously gay for me and makes too many 50 Shades of Gay references, which makes me super uncomfortable. Like he doesn't know his boundaries. For example, one time I was sitting next to him backstage after our concert and he started to reach for my..."

"Dude stop!" Imagining this situation unfold was worse than injecting myself with lead. I would know because I've encountered some Russians that... Never mind. I continued, "I like your strategy." I was actually taken aback at Louis' surprisingly clever tactic. He hadn't shown many signs of intelligence since I met him. And honestly, after this moment, he didn't really show any more.  "We take out the least important and most unappreciated member of the band first! But since we can't kill you, I guess Liam will have to do." Another question beckoned me, "So how do you think we should kill him? You know him better than I do. What's the best plan of action here? What are some of his weaknesses?"

Louis winked and whipped out his phone. He tapped his screen a few times and it began ringing. It hadn't even begun to ring a second time before somebody, rather emphatically, answered the call. Louis began speaking to the person on the other end. "Hello, Liam. Hey, so can you meet me in the bathroom at your house?" I couldn't make out what Liam was saying, but based on the tone of the mutters from the phone, I could tell that Liam was playing right into Louis' strategy. "I can't tell you, it's a surprise. Okay, I'll see you soon" That last sentence was abhorrently flirty. He hung up and turned back to me. "I think I've got a plan." The direction that this murder was heading both intrigued and repulsed me.

We pulled up to Liam's house and before we had even managed to knock on the door, Liam eagerly burst from the entrance of his abode. Startled, I dove for the bushes, somehow undetected. I probably shouldn't have approached the house with Louis, but I was too curious to see how this would all pan out. It began about how I expected it would. Liam lovingly looked upon Louis, lingering his leer and longing for Louis' luscious lips. Louis, lamenting this laughably ludicrous logic, labored limitlessly to lustrously leech Liam's life and listened as Liam lissomely listed, "Hello Louis. Come right on into my homo-home, I mean my totally normal and straight, heterosexual living quarters." Liam seared a malicious grin into Louis and practically yanked him into the house.