No Matter

11

I am now walking towards the gate of our house.

I just got home yesterday morning from Siargao and I thought of visiting my mother today. The guard let me in and the maids there welcomed me with greetings.

"Sweetheart!"

I ran towards my mom who was on the living room, obviously waiting for her daughter. I kissed her cheeks and scanned her whole. "I must say, you look blooming today, ma'am," I said which made her chuckle.

"Of course! My unica hija told me she'll be home so I must look beautiful, isn't that right?"

We laughed at each other and I nodded, "What a blessed daughter she is."

I sat on the sofa and made myself comfortable while looking around the house. It was undeniably big knowing that she was the only person living here aside from the helpers. I had a big portrait of myself when I was a kid hung on the wall. My mom's house is modernly vintage. She loved collecting antiques since back then.

"You can come back, sweetheart. Live with me,"

Napayuko ako at iniwas ang tingin sa sinabi ni mama. It has been 2 years since I moved out and she never really opened it up to me until now. Alam kong alam niyang hindi lang para sa pag-aaral ko ang dahilan kung bakit ako umalis.

I tried to manage a smile and answered, "I'm good by myself, mom. Alagaan mo lang ang sarili mo at tawagan mo ako kapag may emergency, ha?"

Her lips started to shake thus I held her hand and squeezed it tight.

Whatever happens, I don't think I can live with her specially with my dad. I don't want to see how broken and miserable they live.

As much I possible, I want to run away.

Pero alam kong hindi ito magtatagal. Sa ayaw at sa gusto ko, darating ang araw na kailangan ko ng harapin 'to.

Just.. not now.

I have been preparing myself all these years but I still do not know if I will ever be ready.

Tinignan ko si mama. She was calming herself down and taking deep long breaths.

I tried to lighten up the mood, "Punta tayo sa garden, ma! I bet it looks even better now."

Aside from collecting antiques, my mother also loved cherishing nature. She loved gardening.

Her eyes lit up even if it hinted a squint of sadness. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya bago pumunta sa likod niya para itulak ang wheelchair niya.

Yeah. Wheelchair. Hirap akong lumunok habang tinititigan ang likod niya ngayon. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa handle habang unti-unting bumabalik ang ala-ala noong araw na 'yon.

I helped her seat beside me on the bench which we bought together. The garden gave us a fresh air and a beautiful view.

"How's Siargao?"

I did not look at her and I let myself smile while remembering the time I had there. "Good. I had a blast," I chuckled as the picture of Marcus, Miss Amber and the rest of the team come to my mind. They were friendly and accommodating. They did not treat me less. Specially my friend, Marcus. He made me feel things for the first time and I couldn't be more thankful.

I let out a relieved sigh but the happiness within me faded when my gaze caught my mom tearing up.

"What's wrong?" I went up to her and caressed her back.

"I-I'm sorry hindi mo nagawang maranasan 'yan sa amin.."

Tila nanghina ang kamay ko at bumagsak sa sandalan ng bench noong marinig ko ang sinabi ng mama ko. Huminga ako ng malalim at ipinagdikit ang mga ngipin, sinusubukang pigilan ang emosyong sumasakop sa akin ngayon. I do not want to start a conversation like this.. ayoko munang maranasan yung kapalit ng saya noong mga nakaraang araw.