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twenty&four - exhausted

i held my new schedule in hand, walking down the sophomore hall towards beverly. she was looking down at the paper that rested in her hands. i came up behind her and slowly read some of her classes. "we have third hour together," i pointed out. beverly jumped slightly from my presence being made known suddenly.

we placed our schedules side by side and compared, but sadly, the only class we did share was third hour. we looked at each other with a frown. "maybe next year," she shrugged, stuffing the schedule into her locker and pulling out her new first hour items.

the new semester had just rolled around, bringing in all of the students back for more tests, assignments, and breakdowns. all of the sophomores looked like pale ghosts wandering halls of a haunted hotel instead of cliché students with pencils wedged between their ear, ready to learn new things.

"can i go home," richie came up to me, wrapping an arm around me. he slouched, dragging me down lower with him slightly. a yawn fell out of his mouth loudly. his new schedule was in front of him and next to mine as we examined the schedule closely.

"fifth hour," he pointed out, "but that's it. that's one more class than last semester."

"study hall," i read aloud, "perfect."

"hey,"stanley stood beside richie, "you got fourth hour geometry?"

richie nodded drowsily, as if he had been injected with propofol. his eyelids closed and opened. "jesus," i propped him up slightly, "how much sleep did you get last night?"

"an hour," richie said nonchalantly, starting to walk away, "it's not a big deal."

"you're such an idiot sometimes," i rolled my eyes.

—

"i'm done having a class with you," i sighed, sitting in the library. richie was hitting his head on the table repeatedly with homework in front of him. i closed my textbook and set it aside, watching him become more and more frustrated. my hand reached out and caught his head. he looked up at me, showing his dark circles under his eyes and his chapped lips. "jesus," i breathed out, "you need sleep."

"i'm tired," he pointed out the obvious, "and i want to go home."

exhausted

"why didn't you sleep?" i asked, letting go of his chin. he shrugged, leaning his head of his hand. his eyes closed again.

"my mind was just going and going," he explained, "it was like i couldn't stop thinking." i nodded understandably and watched as he played with his fingers. he was so fixated on his fingers for a moment before he started to play with the pencil that was on the table. his eyes watched carefully as the the pencil bounced up and down beneath his fingers.

"hey richie," i said slowly, "has this happened before?"

"oh all the time," richie nodded, taking his attention off of the pencil, "it just hasn't happened in a while, and it's normally controlled."

"controlled?" i inquired while opening the textbook in front of me again. richie's eyes moved around the room mindlessly.

"yeah," he nodded, "it helps when i'm around someone that can keep me focused. it was easy over winter break because i was around you all the time."

a smile formed across my face at his last remark. a warm feeling ran through my body thinking about how i could have possibly helped him in some kind of way. thinking back, his ranting had slowed down the more i had spent time with him. our conversations became more and more equal; we talked back and forth more than richie just talking about anything and everything. i became more comfortable with him, and him with me.

"my mom suggested to me once that you were kind of like my therapy," richie laughed softly, "if that makes sense."

"well," i shrugged, starting to kick him softly under the table, "i'm happy that you're comfortable enough to talk around me like this, and i'm happy that i can be your therapy."

"dr. eds kaspbrak," richie said with a sort of hysterical laugh, "fix me up, doc!"

"oh my god," i rolled my eyes, "you're literally such a dork, 'chee!"

"you're mad that i'm funny!"

"i'm mad that you aren't sedated right now!"

—

"so," ben walked beside me, "how are you today?" he held a binder close to his chest as we walked together on the way home. it was awkward, to say the least. ben was a sweet kid, very nice, but we had nothing in common, and we had never hung out on our own before. he was always with bill or beverly, never with me. regardless, we walked together, soon to depart on our own routes home.

the snow crunched underneath our feet on the sidewalk. the hair on my neck suddenly rose from the cold around me, but i tried my best to ignore it, thinking of things that were warm instead. my hands fell into the pockets of my coat, thinking of things other than the chilly weather. the sun was basically gone, covered by clouds and almost ready to go down only at four in the afternoon.

"okay," i responded, looking down to the ground shyly. he uttered a small noise in understanding and dropped the short lived subject.

"i think i'm ready for spring to come," ben said mindlessly, looking beyond to the street, "all this snow and grey skies annoys me."

"i don't mind the cloudy skies anymore," i responded, looking up at the sky, but then i remembered richie's words on the cold fall day when he rode past on his bike.

"could today at least be sunny!" i remember saying, walking down the street. i remember being uncomfortable, tired, and lonely. i was the ultimate third wheel in everything, despite being bill's best friend. then, richie 'trashmouth' tozier happened to pass by on his bike, the expression on his face unknown, but the adjective above his head the most infamous one in my memory.

"fine"

i hated that one more than anything, quotation marks and all; i never learned the meaning of that adjective fully, but i had a good enough idea.

"i like the grey skies," richie had said as he passed by. he didn't stop to look at me or even turned around to exchange a smile. he just kept on going like a small passive lesson in life. i watched him travel away from the street for a moment awkwardly when he did that, not minding to respond to him. i just whispered his last name to myself mindlessly.

in the moment walking beside ben, i realized how much richie's words and warmth had changed me and my views. i started to see beauty in things many people found upsetting or unhealthy. staying up until three in the morning and grey skies without a silver lining became my ideals instead of having a perfect sleep schedule and having a day with clear skies.

"i don't know that many people that would say that," ben shrugged, readjusting the scarf around his neck.

"me neither."