Demons || Jaythan

Photograph

And if you hurt me

That's okay baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won’t ever let you go

- Photograph; Ed Sheeran.

Chapter Seventeen:

It was official: Jay hated me; Tom hated me; Siva hated me; Max hated me. And most of all, I hated myself. Especially that damned demon. I had still yet to hear from him; when I did, he was in for a right treat. 

He had turned everyone against me, he made me lose my sanity and humanity when he would make me do his dirty work for him, killing off innocent people. I hated him- no, I detested him. He made my blood boil; my anger simmered as if it was hot water bubbling in a pan. Oh, how badly I wanted to kill the demon. I couldn't even get over the fact it had the audacity to not show it's face anymore. 

There was a knock on my door, which then swung forward where the female doctor from earlier on was stood with a tray in her hand, with what I'm guessing was my dinner. As she put it down in front of me, I noticed how appatising it looked yet it made me feel sick. I mumbled a small thank you and picked up the plastic fork, stabbing into the lasagne. It wasn't that I was on hunger strike but since my meeting with Jay before, it just made me feel sick to my stomach. 

I was devestated. 

I was reacting strange however, it was the truth and I knew this but I guess I pushed it too far back in my mind that I had somehow forgot about the daunting thoughts that are currently racing through my mind at a hundred miles per hour.

Sighing, I put down the fork and picked up the cup of water and taking a sip of the lukewarm water. It was probably tap-water too, which I absolutely hated. Which Jay used to tease me about, "They taste the exact same, Nath." he would say. 

I groaned, putting my head in my hands. I had to stop thinking about... him. If this place alone didn't kill me I know the thought of him would. 

Standing up from where I was seated on the cold floor - honestly, it was freezing - I lay down on the old rickety bed that mirrored the colouring of the whole room: White. Tucking myself under the covers I closed my eyes and hoped that I would have another peaceful sleep.

However, unlike last night I had anything but a peaceful night's sleep; it wasn't the nightmares this time, it was the thoughts of Jay hating me that kept me up all night. 

* * *

It had become a routine now: wake up; have breakfast; get ready for the day; go for counselling at eleven thirty; come back at twelve thirty; have dinner; sleep; have supper; sleep. This was my third day here and I was already used to my hectic schedule. 

I hadn't a clue of the time but I knew that it must be nearing half past eleven. My thoughts were proven true when there was a knock and the door swung open, the usual five people that would guide me to the counselling room were stood. 

"Are you ready, Mr. Sykes?" the doctor that had led me to see Jay two days ago asked. I nodded; standing up from where I was previously seated on my bed I made my way over to them. 

I had a doctor on either side of me, one at the front and one at the back whilst the other was guiding us to the counselling room just a bit further in front of me. For being a criminally insane psychopath, I am genuinely surprised that there wasn't more people surrounding me. I guess I wasn't that bad then. 

The doctors stopped as we reached the corridor where there was six rooms with six different counsellors behind. I'm guessing each counsellor specialised in something different. Shaking my head, I waited patiently as the doctor with the posh accent - obviously from somewhere down south - knocked onto the heavy wooden door, from behind it I heard a soft "Come in." And then he opened the door and led me into the room where my counseller was sat waiting for me, with a small smile on his face. 

I wondered why he had a smile on his face, I know I wouldn't be smiling if I met a mass-murderer. Although, this wasn't his first time seeing me so I guess he knew that I wasn't that bad.

"Hello, Nathan. How are you feeling today? Are you well?"

I nodded, jumping a bit as the door behind me slammed shut. My hands felt clammy and I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I don't know why I was feeling so scared, this was my second day of seeing him and I knew he wasn't that bad.

His name was Dr. Lacura, he was a balding old man and he liked to speak about his family in the silences that I would leave. Dr. Lacura was nice, he never once forced me to speak, he knew I felt uncomfortable and always said that I could speak in my own time.

"That's good to hear!" He smiled. "Okay, so are you ready to speak about what happened the other day when you're boyfriend, Jay is it? Came to see you, I know you wasn't up to it yesterday-"

I shook my head and he nodded.

"Right-o then, how about you tell me about your family. What are they like? Do you have any siblings?" 

I licked my lips. "Y-yeah, one. I have a sister, she's called Jess."

"Ah, what a lovely name." Doctor. Lacura nodded, "I was going to name my daughter that but my wife preffered Amelia and I didn't want to argue with her, she gets scary whenever I disagree with something." The doctor laughed like it was an inside joke and all I could do was nod and crack a small smile.

"And your parents?"

"My dad left when I was young, my mum brought me and Jess up single-handedly." 

"She didn't do a good job at bringing me up I mean look at me! I'm in a loony bin for Christ sake." I added as an after thought. 

"Now, Nathan." The doctor tutted. "Don't be like that, I am sure your mother did a great job in bringing you up. I think it's just that something went wrong and you ended up here, it's not your mother's fault."

I bit my lip but it didn't stop me from spewing out the thoughts that had been festering too long in my brain. "No you are right, it's not my mum's fault. It's mine, it's all my fault. I deserve to be here!"

"Now, Nathan." He repeated. "It's not your fault okay-"

"No." I cut him off. "You are just pitying me now, It is my fault, don't you see? I killed all those people, me. I chose to do it!" 

"Everyone knows that there's no one to blame but myself, even Jay knows it! All my friends know it, I bet my family too! Even you know it so don't lie to me!" I ranted.

I was running out of breath but my thoughts just kept on sputtering out, there was no filter on them anymore and they were coming out at full force. 

Once everything had been said, I went back to my silent self. Just like yesterday I kept quite the entire time as the doctor continued asking me questions, carefully avoiding the subject of my breakdown but I knew that he would bring it up in tomorrow's session.

I didn't even know where it all came from but I felt a bit better now that I had said everything that had been in my mind. Maybe these counselling sessions were better than I first thought.