Lacunae

Chapter 4

As we drive along, the silence in the car was so thick I heard the gears of the car shift with every movement of my grandmother. She didn't say anything because she probably didn't know what to ask and I didn't want to start either because I did not have the guts to tell her the truth. Not because she had no idea about Mr. Levi because she does. I didn't want to tell her the truth that the thought of suddenly losing someone, creates that kind of sensation within me.

I looked out of the window trying my best to keep away from her line of sight. I've been doing a good job hiding it from her, keeping it a secret. The restless night, the nightmares and the silent screaming inside my bathroom. All of it, I didn't dare to let her see.

I couldn't remember exactly when it started but once when I was eight years old, back in our old house, I had a panic attack like the ones I have now but at that time it was worse. I was screaming and crying and thrashing. I was already hurting myself unconsciously and my grandmother didn't know what to do. She tried to stop me by hugging me but I wouldn't let her. I pried away from her and went to the big vase at the side of the stairs and push it with all my might. My grandma just sat there on the floor crying and begging for me to calm down. The deafening noise of the shattering vase echoed in my mind as I finally realized what state my grandma, the strongest woman I've ever known, was in. And like as if the adrenaline drained out, I fainted.

I woke up the next day after that and saw my grandma hugging me like as if her life depended on it. I saw the creases on her face and she looked really old, older than her age even. As I looked at her, I decided that not once again will I put her through the same place. I only have her and seeing her like that broke my heart. So, as she woke up and asked me how I was, I pretended that I couldn't remember a single thing from the night before.

And well, pretending had me believing that nothing happened. I didn't have another attack after that and I was truly grateful. However, when I was thirteen, it came back. A bunch of teenagers like myself, played a prank on me. Scaring me, threatening me, pulling me and acting as if they were going to take me away. They were wearing masks and at that moment I started hyperventilating, I couldn't breathe. They thought I was a puny and started laughing to my face. One by one removing their masks as they walked away and their leader saying, "What a loser."

From then on, I hated Zack with a passion. He was thirteen and I knew that he was just being his childish self. That it was all just a prank. But I didn't hate him because of what he did, I hate him for igniting something within me that triggered back the anxiety. My nightmares started again.

"What's wrong Val?" Grandma asked and I heard her voice falter.

"Nothing. I think I caught an allergy with something." I answered as calm as I could and managed to look at her.

She pursed her lips not believing me at all. "I don't believe you. What's wrong, tell me."

I sighed and smiled at her, "Grandma, I hate Zack with all my heart. He pranked me when I was thirteen and looking at him during dinner, I remembered that time and I didn't like it. That's all."

"For someone who do a lot of things that she'd rather not do, you can't even stomach a dinner with Rebecca's son?" She asked, not buying my reason. To be honest, that was a lame reason even in my ears.

"Grandma, it was part of the reason and I just suddenly felt sick to my stomach. It wasn't anything too serious. I do want to have some hot milk though." I said trying to make light of the conversation.

She looked at me contemplating if she should force the truth out of me but I also saw the hesitance in her eyes. I could feel that she's worried that if we keep on talking about the situation, I'd be asking her questions that she's the one who wouldn't be willing to give the answers.